Sunday, June 25, 2006


I read an email the last couple of days that shocks me. I could not even begin to respond to it. A friend went to a doctor's appointment. She never even discussed her connection to adoption. She listens to a woman discuss why there aren't more white babies in America that are adoptable. This woman also basically said that the young women today are being "selfish" for keeping their children.

How more crappy can you get than that? If this woman had known that she was saying this in front of a birthmother, would she have changed her thoughts and her hoof in mouth disease? People in this country need to realize that adoption hurts. When we take a child from its mother, does no one realize that it hurts the mother? A while back one of my first email adoption buddies thought her mother gave her up because she is an inconvenience. I wish she could read all that I have read. I wish that she could talk to all the birthmothers out there. She and I may have been an accident at the time but we were loved. That our birthmothers' hearts were shattered and broken beyond repair. My own birthmother is still so filled with guilt and shame that she can't face me. I honestly believe she hears the words of hurt, shame, guilt, and pain whenever she thinks of me. I hate that she has to face that all over again and again. I would never want her to face her pain like that over and over. I do want her to heal. I also want to heal. I just hope in time we can come together and heal the pain that we both feel.

Adoption is supposed to be about the child. Too many people feel that they need a child to complete themselves. Our society puts that kind of pressure on women. I have an aunt that doesn't want children. God the pressure that she must have faced over the years. She came from a large family. In my story, my mother was not the sterile one. It was my father. I lucked out with my mother. Yes, she supports my search. She knows that it is not any disrespect to her. Yes she changed my diapers, fed me, clothed me, and helped me figure out my life. She also knows that this is one battle that I must face on my own. She doesn't feel entitled to me but I am her daughter just the same as I am my birthmother's daughter. Yes she is grateful for the opportunity that was presented. She as well as the rest of my family will tell you that I am a blessing in their lives. Yet we have those in our society that are on opposite sides of the adoption fence. Some feel that adoption should be eliminated all together. Some also feel that some kind of reform needs to occur within adoption. I think that they are right. The money needs to be taken out of adoption. It must stop being a commercial business. We are talking about human lives. On the other side of the fence we have adoptive families and adopters. Adoptive families understand what adoption does to families especially the birthmothers and adoptees. Adopters are the ones that feel that the adoptees belong to them. That adoptees should not have the right to search and find their other families.
Many uninformed people feel that adoptees should be happy with what they have got. That adoptees need to feel grateful. That birthmothers should just fork over their children.

Change must occur. The women from Ann Fessler's book are finally being heard. Adoptees are finally being heard. Adoptive families are finally being heard. Those that disagree need to hear the stories and listen with a compassionate heart. Adoption as it stands in our country hurts everyone involved in the triad. Its time to change it.


Marie said...

Adoptive families understand what adoption does to families especially the birthmothers and adoptees

Amy-I would like to think this is true, but my experience shows me otherwise as a general rule. I understand that everyone in the triad is hurt by adoption, but I also think that if adoptive families (the ones on the money end) really understood what adoption does to the other two sides there might be changes in legislation.

At any rate, the child is the last one to be considered in a climate that says "what's best for the child."

Amyadoptee said...

I know that within my own adoptive family it is understood that changes must occur. For the better. Most adoptive families that I am in contact with understand it. Even the adoptees who don't wish to search want to see changes occur within our society. In fact I am going to do some research on adoption reform and maybe eliminating adoption all together. You will find the story here as well sometime soon.

Attila the Mom said...

Great post!

A few months ago I ran across a website by a Christian-based facilitator who actually counsels that those who try to help or talk the prospective birth mother into keeping are going against the will of God.


I'll try to find the address and send it to you.

Anonymous said...

Right ON!!!!