WHAT I HAVE LEARNED

Oooh that is an interesting thought. What have I learned? Ah so much and yet so little and not what I wanted. But I also gained so much. What I gained is easy. Great and wonderful friends. Knowing that all of my family wanted this to happen for me. My husband and I got into many a fight over this issue. When we did some searching for him is when he finally understood. On my birthday every call that came in on the cell phone he was so hoping it was her. Of course I knew better. Katrina would have called me immediately. Or someone from the agency would have.

I have learned that I have incredible strength. I can take the most basic of rejection. The most core rejection a person can take and survive. Yes what she has done hurts badly. I know that it isn't a reflection on me. That is logic. Not the core of me. What saddens me is that I have an older sister and a father that want to know me. She has put a lockdown on it. I will not get to know his side of me. I don't know his medical history. I don't know if she even realizes this but I can't get his information because of her. He will die not knowing his other child. That so sucks. I learned too that I don't have to take crap off anybody. I have cleared out my life and am making some serious changes.

I found a photo of me and my Mom. I was looking at it. I knew it was taken shortly after my parents brought me home. I was thinking that I wish I knew more with the allergies that she has. What about my birthfather and what about his health? I guess I will never know. Its something that I have to live with. I guess I will call Katrina once a year until my birthmother dies and then I can have my records. I will be an old woman by then and the two people that created me will be dead. I will never know them. Yep it just sucks but who said anything in life was fair. In fact most things in life are unfair. I guess I will just try to make lemonade from this very sour lemon.

One thing that I am going to have to work at is getting away from adoption. I see my adoption and what I am missing daily. Whether it be someone mentioning Indiana, the Coleman name, Indianapolis. Someone could be talking about what illnesses, common traits, they have with their siblings. I wish I had that. I know that I need to get over it.