Thursday, September 07, 2006

BIRTHERS, ADOPTERS, AND BASTARDS

If you havent already been there, you really need to visit my buddy over at the The Daily Bastardette. Http://www.bastardette.blogspot.com/ Gotta love her spirit.

You see I will be ignored because my birthmother has refused contact. These anti adoption people just like to placate me. I am just the adopted child. As I read these arguments over birthmother, I have to laugh at the absurdity of all of it. Another friend of mine also makes a very valid point on her blog that is also a must see. Http://www.adoptalk.blogspot.com/ It is the adoption industry that has made the adoption terms nasty. Its not Concerned United Birthparent. Its not AAC, BN, or any other group. Its those that run the adoption industry. The agencies, the National Council for Adoption, the social workers and its volunteers are who we need to angry at. Its not adoptive families. Who you call Adopters. That right there I find highly offensive and assaultive. I had good adoptive parents. They support my search. I can't take pock shots at them for wanting a child. I was lucky because my birther wanted to so desparately be rid of me. She wants her secrets to stay hidden very hidden. Even the anti adoption crew out there can't begin to understand why she chose what she did. If this was about the adopters, don't you think they would have the cost of adopting a child a little cheaper. Most adoptive parents that I have run into want their children to know their birthfamily. Most are like my parents. I see the adoption industry has being corrupt and money hungry. At both of these blogs, everyone is attacking everyone. Hey yo don't you think we ought to use that heated energy and take aim at the adoption industry? We would really change laws with that kind of energy. If we used that kind of energy to educate the non adopted oriented people of America, we would definitely see changes. No just like a bunch of harpies we are turning on each other. Striving to get absolutely nowhere. I for one am tired of it. There are those that want to censor others. If you know what terms people have incorporated into their work, and you don't like those terms don't invite someone to your shindig and expect them to bow to you. It ain't gonna happen. We all need to come up with a plan to change and reform adoption. One other person that has done that besides the two already mentioned and the several listed as links on the side, is Faux Claud. I don't always like her stuff because it is very harsh. I am just the bastard caught in the middle. She has listed some very good proposals on changing adoption. Her addy is Http://www.musingsofthelame.blogspot.com/ . She also has another blog where she is trying to change the laws in New York.

As far as the presenters of the conference in question in the first two blogs, one of them very honestly I don't like. When I was first looking for a place to call home in the adoption world. His chatroom was one that I visited. I didn't like the way birthparents and adoptive parents were addressed and treated. The room was filled with foul language and severe anger. I told him that I was not happy with this and that I was leaving. I don't go to his site and attack his people or his friends over at anti adoption. I avoid them. I do go and read their stuff just to keep myself informed but I don't comment. Not my place to tread on their beliefs. Since I was just beginning my search actively, I don't feel that anger would really help me in the beginning. Now that my search has hit a proverbial stalmate, I am now going through the steps of loss. I was in denial about her refusal. I just couldn't believe it and it hurt when I actually thought about it. Now I am angry about it. I hate that the laws that protect the socalled "privacy" of a birthmother. What is hysterical and very ironic is the law protects the one percent instead of the 99 percent. Knowing what I know about my birthmother she would really appreciate it if you kept on fighting. She thinks its great that you all are not getting anywhere with this infighting. It takes the heat of revealing her secret child (now an adult) to her family. She gets to continue to punish my birthfather for wanting me at any costs. He will die before I ever get to know him. Go ahead keep on fighting amongst yourselves. Me I am going after the laws that allow this kind of betrayal against families.

8 comments:

AdoptTalk said...

Hi Amy -

Thanks for including the link to AdopTalk. I would like to clarify a couple of things, however.

I do not allow cat fights like that which is currenelt taking place on Bastardette on my log. My blog is for discussiong issues in a civil fashion. A healthy debate/discussion on ISSUES is OK, but no personal slamming is allowed or tolerated. Any discussion that just goes on and on repeating the same points over and over I simply end. It gets boring and counterproductive, I am insterested in COSNTRUCTIVE suggestions to HELP adoption ONLY.


I believe that too much emphasis is put on one word by some people. But I also think each group has a right to do what they please and follow their own goals, and those who don't like it quit - like you did. There is no one right way.

Many words are offensive to many people. Some of us are offended at the very word adoption. I think that we should be as kind and considerate as we can not to offend anyone. However, the word "birthmother" is not the CAUSE of the exploitation of women for their babies. If you read my blog, AdopTalk.blogspot.com, you will see that I firmly believe it is the falsified birth certificate that is THE problem, and the one we all should focus our efforts on - instead of fighting with one another over words, or who suffered more.

AMYADOPTEE said...

I think that you are right about that one. I look at my "amended" birth certificate and compare it to my daughters. They have so much more information on them. I do believe that the adoption industry nees some kind of government oversight. I think about those that are making millions of money of people, birthmothers, adoptees, and adoptive parents.

AdoptTalk said...

There are "long" and "short" form BC's in most states. That could account for some of the difefrence.

Yes government oversight - exactly what is needed!

Marley Greiner said...

Amy, your points are very well taken. The point of my blog was censorship, self-identification and autonomy, not the use of "birthmother." Why should any of us care about how we define ourseleves or relationships with others or how others do as long as the terms are understandable? Why dictate except out of the elitiest impetus to control others?

In-fighting is common in AdoptionLand. Language is a "red herring." In this instance, it's easier to attack a word and the symbols that some attach to it, than to attack successfully the real problem: the adoption industry and everything that's attached to it. What the haters don't get is that we are all victims (with a small v) of the industry, some more than others. We're cogs in their machine; pawns on their board. It is in the industry's best interest to keep everyone off balance. In this case it's industry co-option of the word "birthmother" but also other words and concepts. Open adoption, which I consider nothing but a marketing tool, is another.

Adoption in the US and Canada today is an industry out of control. Business, in theory, is controlled by market forces unless it's monkeyed with by forms of intervention (ex goverment oversight). That's one of the founding principles of the US. Traditionally, if a specific business within an industry screws its customers long enough, it's run out of business by customers and similiar businesses. One of the purposes of trade organizations, for example, is to save the industry's ass by stopping government intervention in their practices through standards setting, qualification, probationary practices,and self-regulation. Sure it's self-serving, but it can work if enforced strictly in-house.

In this case, though, the industry as a whole and it's various trade organizations (NCFA, the Bishops, L-d-S SS, and ultimately the state) are corrupt and prevent market forces and consumer choice from kicking in. The system defies and rejets autonomist action. The industry is facilitor of the state and the state is the handnmaid of the state. A snake biting it's tail, rolling down a hill. It's a example of what we used to call the broker state, that is, the seamless partnership of state and business. Adoption corporatism.

starlight said...

Amy, you make so much sense. I hope a lot of people are reading you.

Attila The Mom said...

Great post and thanks for the links! I meandered over to Adopttalk and loved it!

I also admire the heck out of FauxClaud and her advocacy work.

Hang in there!

Miss Keeks said...

Great post, Amy. I've been reading the Bastardette for a while. I love it. And I can't believe how insane everything got over one term.

I agree that the adoption industry needs to be reformed. I'm not anti-adoption, but I believe there are many people out there who are not meant to parent--no matter how they end up with a kid.

Finally, I believe that the primary injustices have been against the adoptees. We had absolutely no say in where we went. And now we have no say in our own information. It galls me!

I have a lot of sympathy for bio-moms who felt like their choices were taken away. Maybe that is true in most cases. But it doesn't change the fact that the adoptees really have never had a choice. We're not property and we should have the right to our own information without having to beg for permission from a court of law with our adoptive parents and spouses. Yuck.

AMYADOPTEE said...

I couldn't agree with you more. Miss Keeks. I am also not anti-adoption, but it does serve a purpose. How can I condemn the very parents that loved and cherished me when my own birthmother would have nothing to do with me? Right now I have decided that I am going after the laws that enslave adoptees.