Wednesday, November 08, 2006

DEAR ANONYMOUS:

A dear friend and in many respects a brother pointed something out to me in a blog. Wraith's blog is one of my favs because he is walking in my shoes now. We have both traveled the world in many of the same places. I respect the road that he has taken. Please read the Anonymous person's comment below. I usually don't take on my commenters. I listen to what they have to say. If I need to change something or look at it from a different angle, I do. If I think they are just bonkers, I usually ignore. This particular comment well I didn't pay much attention to. Did not read it the whole way through. Wraith brought it to my attention. I also left a comment on his blog that says about the same thing that I will address here. Please read it. Http://www.wraithswrealm.com/blog/


Here is the comment:::

if your birthmother had reacted differently, would you still be angry at
adoption? if not, then aren't you really just angry at your birthmother, and the
choices she made in the past, and the choices she is making now? while it hurts
to be "rejected twice" would you still have felt that rejection even if you had
been adopted by your birthfather and his wife? and what if he and his wife did
not treat you as well as your family? it's fun to think about all the whatifs in
life, but really there is no way to determine which would have been better and which ones would have been worse. we have what we have

To answer your questions;

NO matter what. I would have started this blog. A dear college friend, King Kranky, got me hooked line and sinker. This blog was started before I asked the Suemma Coleman Home for Unwed Mothers ( now called St. Elizabeth Coleman Adoption Agency) to search for my birth mother. I would have eventually begun arguing women's and children's issues on this thing. If the road had turned in my favor and she had said yes, I would have still told our story. I would have begun this road no matter what. I do know that her father abused her. That has always been a battle for me to argue over.

Yes I am angry with her. I felt like she devalued me. I don't think she gave her husband and sons the chance to stand up with her like the spouses and children of all of us plane/triad members. If I hadn't taken this route, I would not know the blatent lies, corruption, shame, pain, and coercion that the adoption plane/triad deals with everyday.

Playing what if games has never made sense to me. I have thought seriously hard about the diversions that my life has taken especially this year. If I had not taken this route, I would not have known what a great hunk of husband I had. I would not have known what a truly wonderful Mom I do have or what awesomely cool sisters I have. I would not have known how to truly learned to start living my life. I may feel anger and pain with her rejection but I am now a living thriving human being. I would not have known how truly strong I am. In some regards, yes I hate adoption. I hate that society views it as a way to humiliate women, children and parents. Society views adopted children sometimes as second best. Our birth parents and adoptive parents would not want us to be considered that. Even my own birth mother would tell you that. I hate that she feels shame over something that is a basic human function.

As far as my birthfather and his family was concerned, I will never know what might have happened. Life takes so many turns. What if I married my first love, Danny? What if I married Joey, my college sweetheart? What if I had gotten my college degree? What if my birth father had gotten his wish? What if my own birthmother had kept me? What if my mother had stayed married to my first adoptive father? Most of those situations well I am happy they turned out the way that they did. My first love would have never handle this situation that I am in. My college sweetheart whose to say... If my mom hadn't left my first a dad, I would have never known my Father.. I would not have had my children. I would not have met the man that is my true love. He may drive me crazy but God knows how much I love him. God knows how much I love my mother and my sisters. So I don't play what if games. I do what I can to make me and my family happy.

As far as what ifs I don't play them. I do honestly and ferociously believe that my birth father deserves the right to know that I am alive, kickin' it here in Texas, and happy. It may not have turned out the way he wanted but it still turned out good.

I fight for open records because it is wrong to deny a person his heritage, parts of his life, and even his extended family. I remember saying to my sisters, " Hey guys we have two brothers. Can you believe it we have two brothers!!!" There is no such thing as half and steps in my family. We are all one big huge honking, music blaring, whooping great family. I just want us to come together as one. I wish the same for all of us.

2 comments:

Mia said...

This is a wonderful and articulate response.

It was so nice talking to you yesterday!

Joy said...

Wowie, I missed that, but agree with all Elizabeth and Mia on their comments, isn't playing the what if game fun?


NO it is extremely painful thanks.

And personally my feelings about adoption don't have anything to do with my mother.