This is a blog about an adoptee and the hurdles that she faces. Life is always interesting.
I am an adoptee who has searched and found. Would I do it again? NO Am I better off emotionally now? NO Yes, I know who I am. Yes, I have medical history. Yes, I know the circumstances of my birth and family. BUT....I have 2 brothers, who look so much like me it's uncanny and we share an abundance of depression and anxiety which I'm positive is hereditary. Our emotional pain of the past prevents us from maintaining any sort of relationship and this in turn leads to MORE emotional pain for all 3 of us. Our mother is a shell of a woman encased in her own pain. The pain of having me in her life is too great for her as it takes her back to a painful place emotionally and she can't deal with a decision she made 55 years ago. So, here we have 4 people who know the truth. 4 people whose lives have been altered forever with the knowlege of what they missed out on. 4 people who can't let go of past pain, guilt, and anger. My brothers will never feel the same towards our mother. They will always feel cheated out of not having their sister in their lives. Our mother will carry her albatross forever. I can't forgive our mother. I will forever long for the relationship that could have been with my brothers. All 4 of us will forever be consumed with depression, anxiety, and pain. I also met my father, now deceased. He wanted me in his life, but I couldn't form any relationship with him as the guilt towards my adopted father was too great. So I, in my emotional turmoil, never saw him again and now live with the pain of knowing he is deceased. Sometimes the truth hurts.....this was one of those times for all of us. I wish I had left things alone as the unknown was certainly better than the truth in my case.
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