Wednesday, January 03, 2007

MS. QUETS AGAIN.

As I have been reading all the stories today about Allison Quets. I have heard many many different things. Some people do not want to support her because she used donor eggs/sperm. Okay yes she is an adoptive parent of sorts. I know that the first generation of those types of adoptees are coming out now. They are speaking out. They are feeling the same as ol' time adoptees. They are just as ticked as us. So we have that issue to contend with. What she would have done when her children grew up I can't really say. This particular wrong doesn't make what happened to her any less wrong or right. It just brings up the very problem of the complexity of life. And what happens when the rights of people are trampled. What happens when we mess with God's plans

Yet I am faced with the conundrum of her being raked over the coals by an adoption attorney who has his hand in Jeb Bush's pocket. Jeb Bush just like the rest of the Bush clan is making laws that deprive women of their children. The only part about all of this that makes some of us gag is the donor thing. It doesn't make her any less of a mother. She had her so-called boyfriend forcing her to give up the children. She had a set of adoption parents coming at her constantly degrading her. She was forced in a room where the attorney and a social worker badgering her for hours to give up those kids. Here she was ill from one of the side effects of in vitro fertiliation. You know that she spent a small fortune on that alone. Then she spends another fortune fighting to get her children back. Okay where is lack of duress here? There is none. It was there plain and simple. One of the things that Gail, her sister, asked is where are the women's rights groups. Honestly they are more interested in the right to an abortion than they are in a woman's right to keep and raise her children. What they need to remember is that women want to be mothers and wives. They should not leave a majority of the population along the way side. What many many of these groups both for and against abortion don't realize is that a majority of women don't have an antagonist relationship with their babies. That their choices are based on what is best for her and that child. I came across a coworker that had a friend that regretted her abortion. Would adoption been any better? I don't think so. I look at all my mother friends and would say no. This young woman also liked to drink alot. I think the odds would have been stacked against her. When I argue about adoption and its wrongs, people automatically think I am pro-choice. Yea I am but personally I am pro-life. I chose to have both of my daughters. I am also raising both of my daughters. When I bring up the disparity of the laws concerning adoption and abortion, people actually do cringe. It is a rough subject that many don't want to hear. They don't like to hear about the bad side of adoption. Of course the crude/rude socially unacceptable comments come out full force. Just check out the comments in the Detroit news after the series on mothers came out. Those women were accused of being for abortion. Just like abortion has its issues so does adoption. Adoption does have its side effects.

Another friend of mine brought up why is when a girl gets pregnant, the parents automatically want to get rid of it. Not ever realizing that is their grandchild. Why is it that a 17 year old young man and his family can figure that out? Here we have laws that encourage a 10 year old girl, child, can make the decision to give a baby up for adoption yet that same child can't have an abortion without her parents consent. Look at what happened in Ms. Bennett's case in one of my previous posts. The high school counseling gave her an adoption pamphlet provided by the school's superintendent who also ran an adoption agency. The high school counselor advised the young woman to run away. She saw the inside of the adoption agency twice. In most normal conditions that young woman can't sign a contract yet here she is making a decision alone without her parents being advised of what she is doing. Something is wrong with our society that we allow that kind of human trafficking. The court in her case ordered the adoption agency to bring the child into the courtroom yet here they disobeyed a court order. Will they get punished at all for their disrespect for the judge? Hopefully that ticks off the judge. The adoption agency has probably told the adoptive parents to hide. Yet here we have at least three very public cases of obvious abuse on the part of adoption attorneys and agencies. Will the FBI do an thorough investigation into Ms. Quets situation? I hope so but I doubt they will because for the most part it is a state issue. At least one story ended good. Rashad and his family did get to see his child. For the small miracles in the world, I am grateful. Opening up these records would prove what the mothers and their children in these situations have been saying for years. I pray that the state legislators start listening. Its time to end this once and for all. Its time that they hear our voices, not those of the adoption agencies and attorneys. Their lives are not the ones that are hurt, destroyed, and maimed by adoption. They just make a buck of us. This year I am not taking it anymore. I will not have another woman hurt by adoption. I will not have another child pushed and pulled by these people.

17 comments:

MaeDay said...

Thanks Amy. If I could write out my thoughts, they would parallel along with yours.

My New Year's resolution is to not go soft on adoption issues.

Anonymous said...

We adopted all 3 of our beautiful children. They are blessings beyond measure. Are you saying that my husband and I messed with God's plan by giving our children a loving home? Be careful of your strongly worded comments like this one ... "We are fooling around with nature both with adoption and in vitro fertilization. We are messing with God's plans on this stuff."
We know without a doubt that it was God's plan to bless us with children (an infertile couple who ached for a child) through the miracle of adoption. And, by the way, the birth mothers that placed their babies with us have thanked us for what we have done...just as we have thanked them for the decision they made for adoption vs. abortion.

AMYADOPTEE said...

Do you realize adoption hurts many people? Look at the three stories that I have presented. These types of scenerios were common back in the day that I was born. When we don't take in consideration the human factor in adoption, we pay the price. Its adoptees that suffer the most. You may have had a good adoption with all three of your kids. Having read and researched adoption for a year straight, I know that it is filled even in this day with corruption and greed. The adoption attorneys and the adoption agencies in all three of these cases were all out to make a buck. Just like abortion has side effects so does adoption. How do you know that the first parents in your story are telling you the truth? Maybe these women will tell you anything just so long as they can continue to see their children. It has been documented many many times over that at least 80% of open adoptions close once the ink is dry. All I ask of you is to step outside of the box. Look at these women in a different way. Think about your children when they do grow up. Think about their feelings. I had good adoptive parents but I also know for a fact that these women have suffered great losses at the hands of adoption agencies and attorneys. Even society and their families. Its time that it is acknowledged. Its time that adoptees and their families have a say in how the law is written. I do feel that we are messing with God's plans because we are not acknowledging the human factor in this experiment called adoption.

iris eyes said...

Dear anonymous adopter,
You know for a fact it was part of "Gods plan" for you to adopt children.. I suppose God told you personally.
People who use "God" to justify the taking of children from their parents/families , to satisfy their own desire to be "parents" are no different that those who rationalize any other crime.

And I agree with Amy..mothers in "open adoptions" will say anything to keep peace with adopters so they can hope to continue to see their children/get pictures/or whatever they have been promised.

MaeDay said...

Dear anonymous,

Has it ever occured to you it just might have been God's will for those mothers to raise their babies?

Also find it unlikely all three moms would have aborted if adoption wasn't available.

Anonymous said...

It appears that your adoption may not have been handled with the same care and concern in which my adoptions were handled~ I can only assume that many of your negative comments regarding adoption come from your personal experience. Adoption, however, has changed dramatically in recent years, and for that we are grateful for OUR children’s sake. Adoption can offer these children not just life, but the QUALITY life they deserve. None of the birthparents for our children were in a position to parent, but loved their children enough to choose adoption as a life-affirming option. Society is constantly made aware of what can happen when a mother/father parent a child they are not ready for (whether that means financially, emotionally, physically and even spiritually). Everyone suffers as a result and it does in fact have an adverse consequence to society.

Do a little more research and you will find that:
Research proves overwhelmingly that adoption is a good choice for children when compared to unmarried mothers who parent their children. Unmarried mothers who parent are more likely to have low educational achievement and suffer from poverty, thus affecting the mother, child and society. Regarding teens alone: Eighty percent of teen moms end up on welfare within three months of giving birth; these young mothers get tangled in the web of welfare and the cycle continues to repeat itself generation after generation as does child maltreatment. On the contrary, unmarried teens who place their children for adoption, are more likely to finish school and obtain a higher level of education and are therefore able to attain better employment and have more financial stability (Bachrach study). More importantly, however is the fact that adoption can be a good choice for children. Despite how the media tends to report adoption as a negative choice for children, once again, research overwhelmingly shows children who are adopted are well adjusted and secure. Specifically, the Search Institute found that when compared to other teens, adopted adolescents scored higher on indicators of well-being such as school performance, friendships, volunteerism, optimism, self-esteem, social competency, feelings of support from others, and a low level of anxiety. In addition, adopted adolescents scored lower on indicators of high risk behaviors such as use of alcohol, depression, vandalism, group fighting, police trouble, theft, weapon use, driving/riding while drinking and school absenteeism. You may not fit into this category of adoption being a good choice for you, but please don’t make a general assumption that adoption is not beneficial to anyone.

I do agree that adoption can be mishandled when adoption agencies and attorneys see only the dollar signs, which is why I am glad I chose a non-profit one with a Christian ministry mindset that continues to offer birthmoms, adoptive couples and children the support they need. The agency I used even offers an annual birthmom retreat because birthmoms are not forgotten for the sacrifice they made! That’s right, these women and teen birthmoms choose a better life for their child despite their feelings. No one wants to be a birthmom, but thankfully there are those who ask themselves “If I were the child and not the mother, what would I want my life to be like?” They offer their children a better life through adoption where all of their children’s needs can be met without worry. My children will grow up knowing about their birthparents and knowing the reasons that led to their adoption.

Now on to the messing with God’s plan comment: I am thankful I serve a God who believes in adoption~ think how short the life of Moses would have been had his mother not chosen adoption, but more importantly, I am a child of God through adoption. He took me as his adopted child so I’d say firmly that God used examples of adoption in the Bible so we could learn that sometimes we as humans just don’t have all of the answers but we have to have faith in God and trust him that He alone has the master plan for our lives!

Anonymous said...

The responses written to me all assume I have open adoptions. I do not. My husband and I had the blessed opportunity to meet with and speak with our childrens' birth parents and we continue a relationship through letters, pictures, and phone calls. They are so grateful for us, just as we are for them. Also, you should know that the birth mothers chose my husband and I. They were seeking an adoption plan, they called our agency, they set the meetings, they reviewed various photo albums of couples waiting to adopt, and they chose us. It was never a case of "taking of children from their parents/families" as "iris eyes" stated. And it certainly was the farthest thing from a "crime."
Regarding the comment about my God, well yes, in a way He absolutely did tell me personally. You see, I have a very personal relationship with him and like any other relationship, when you know that person well, you recognize their voice. I'm sad for all of you that had bad atoption experiences and I hope you can one day open your eyes and heart and realize that adoption can be a beautiful thing for all parties involved. I pray for your healing. : )

iris eyes said...

Anon Adopter,

I have read and heard everything you wrote here before, many many times...and I am sure that others reading Amy's blog have, as well. Most of it is published by the National Council for Adoption.You sound like you are very familiar with NCFA.The adoption agencies are using these so-called 'facts' to frighten young parents into surrendering their children.This is part of the government's new adoption push.We recognize it for what it is.

Do you think we grew up somewhere else?We live in the USA.Many of us have worked in adoption legislation, on state task forces,in search/support/reunion, and family preservation. We are disgusted by the materialistic attitude that you and others have shown towards other peoples' families..as if they were objects to be acquired..because you 'deserve them"...because of your infertility. And then you invoke "god".... and claim it is the "will of the creator" because the creator wants the children to have a better "'quality of life."

A person can justify anything that way....in their own head.

You and your "god" must be pretty confused. Adoption is a business. It is you and others who have made it into a religion as well.The natural family, the true "master plan" has existed all over the world, across the centuries, and in non-human species as well.The God who created the family is not confused..nor fooled by imitations, nor lies.
Families are not made through attorneys, agencies, court orders, threats of poverty, or falsified birth certificates and sealed records.The secrecy in adoption papers and procedure alone should cause most people to question its' validity.

The agency which coerced the adoption of my child was sued and put out of business in the 1990s. ...for corrupt business practices...which had been going on for decades. Adoption has not changed dramatically at all..all that has happened is that it has become a more voracious business.

Do you think none of us have read the Bible? There is no comparison between the so-called 'spiritual adoption" by God...which is more of a reconciliation with the creator..than the adoption of children as an industry.To compare the two is blasphemy.

Moses was sent into the bulrushes by his mother in order to save his life...not to give him a better "quality of life"...and his mother actually nursed him while he was being raised by the Egyptians....and he returned to his own people and led them out of Egypt.The ultimate reunion.

I have the complete copy of the Search Institute study..adopted children in their minor teen years were asked to fill out a written questionnaire while living at home with their adopters.I doubt they felt free enough to tell the truth. And of the over 1600 families that were asked to participate...only about 750 families volunteered to complete the project....this raises the question as to how accurate.... is a study... completed by self-selected participants.

I am a college graduate and have worked professionally with children.....some of them were adopted.I have seen their turmoil...there is no way that adopted children are "better off" than they would be in their own heritage family, barring some kind of severe abuse in the original family.Children are not objects to be shifted around simply so that other covetous people can obtain them and justify it by offering them 'better opportunities to get ahead in life."

Your comments about mothers in poverty and the cycle of poverty are insulting.Many of us were in college when we lost our children...or we were younger students or young working women.Do you honestly think we are going to tolerate the ignorant claim that only women living in "poor families on welfare" get pregnant?There are single mothers/parents from all walks of life....and from families in all social/economic classes. My family and I were better educated at the time of my child's adoption than the adoptive family was. We still are. Many of us have found our children living in poorer adoptive homes...anyone can fall upon hard times. Adopters die, lose their jobs, become alcoholic, divorce, become ill, etc. just like other people. In fact, there may be more stress on adoptive families.They are usually older when they adopt and often have health conditions that led to their infertility.Adoption itself can cause stresses in the '"family."

We do not "continue a cycle of poverty" if our families are already middle-class.....or even better off than that.

But even if young mothers are poor, and they need to complete their education...that is not a crime. Everyone doesn' t have to be highly educated....or living with a better 'quality of life."Your comments about poverty and quality of life sound elitest and have an odor of eugenics.
Elitism and eugenics are not Christian ideals.Jesus did not suggest that poor families' children should be given to richer families so that the childrens' "quality of life"(read:more money) could be superior.He cautioned again and again about the pitfalls of material values.He condemned people who tried to build themselves up by tearing others down.
The destruction of others'families for personal and material gain is at the heart of adoption.
There may be a "supernatural force" involved in adoption...but it isn't a benevolent one.

Please pray for your own healing..and that of the destroyed families.

MaeDay said...

Irish eyes......awesome post. Thank you.

AMYADOPTEE said...

Iris Eyes,

Totally awesome.. could not have said it better myself. By they anonymous, the first mothers in your case have a home with OriginsUSA and CUB and your children will have places in Bastard Nation just for them

Aqua Man said...

irish eyes, amyadoptee and maeday,

I know tons of adopted people and they are so happy with their lives even though they have a natural and normal curiosity about their birth families. At the same time, I am so sad for amyadoptee's parents who would be heartbroken to read her ignorant comments. There is more to her story than what she is saying here. You should direct your frustrations about your own life elsewhere.

I would also love to hear more from our resident "Jesus Expert", Irish Eyes. She seems to have nothing better to do than write a novel on why she is consumed with her own misery in the world of adoption.


Maybe we should also stop "adopting" horses (look at amyadoptees picture)....because of "heritage".

Don't blame this adoptive mother (anonymous) for your frustration around adoption. It isn't her fault. Look in the mirror.

iris eyes said...

A man,
since you know so much, lets hear more about your "life story."

Tons of adopted people who are so happy?Where does one find of "ton" of adopted people....

yeah, I know... they are all out there with you, anonymous adopter, and the mothers of anonymous adopters acquisitions..reeling with joy over their adoptedness.

AMYADOPTEE said...

My adoptive mother knows exactly what I am doing and supports it fully. Second the horses on this ranch are not ADOPTED. They are born and raised on this ranch. I really love how you just disregard an adoptee's feelings. Like I said earlier, your child will have a place waiting for them in Bastard Nation. I have already reserved the seat for him/her. I really hate that you feel so entitled to someone else's child. It sounds like you are most definitely a kidnapper. CHILDREN ARE NOT PROPERTY.

AMYADOPTEE said...

It is also funny that you don't discuss the issue at hand and what was actually in the article. Adoption as it stands now and as it stood in the past needs to change NOW. Actually anonymous at least has an open adoptions. What the others and I have said will make her think. It will make her remember my words. Maybe she look at her children and their mothers a little differently. Many of the mothers of the past didn't deserve to have their children ripped from them because they were poor. Instead of being either pro adoption or pro abortion. Why can't you be for family preservation? You have to remember that child's choice was taken from them. All adoptees realize this. No matter where they are at in their lives.

MaeDay said...

Aqua man,

You "know" nothing about adoption issues. Total ignorance of adoption reflects what you wrote.

iris eyes said...

Amy, regarding the horses: it is fraudulent to falsify a horses papers. Horses are 'parentage verified"...as you know.
The heritage of horses is considered, by those who raise them, to be important.Horses themselves are social animals and form strong family bonds.

A neighbor of ours trains horses.One day she made the mistake of getting between a mare and her newborn foal. The mare bit the woman in the face(luckily she was only bruised).

It is not a good idea to separate mothers and babies.

aqua man said...

In response to iris eyes...

"Tons of adopted people who are so happy?Where does one find of "ton" of adopted people...."

You might want to ask Amy. Where does one find a "ton?" Hmmmm. Something to ponder.

(Amy stated "I can come with tons and tons of cases where these scenerios have been played on. ")