Monday, February 12, 2007

ANN/ANNE

Dear Anne,

Now I am pretty sure that is your name. I know roughly your birth date. You were born in July. I wonder if all the therapy that you and your family supposedly went through was real. I know for sure that my first father did want me. I now wonder about the Michellinn name. I heard it means "mixed blood" in German. So am I? You know that it is okay. I don't care. I was raised in a family that doesn't care about that kind of stuff.

I spoke with a woman who did the same thing as you did. Her daughter was born later in 1965. You would not have met Janice. She wished that she could have to help me find you. She hates the CI system as much as you probably do. I think if you and I had talked. I think you and I would have had a relationship by now. I should warn you that it costs $200.00 for you to search for me. I hope that it doesn't come to that. I have left the door open for you. I should tell you that it cost me $325.00 for me to look for you. They get us coming and going don't they. They should be regulated. Not only did your parents pay, my parents paid for me, and now I have had to pay for you. I am on all the registries. Just look and you will find me.

Janice told me about her experience. That they were cold to you. That they treated you like cattle. That you were probably sent you to the basement when you went into labor with me. That the meals that they fed you were small. That you weren't allowed to eat seconds. In both of my pregnancies, I ate. I never stopped eating except to sleep. Both of your granddaughters were big babies. Dakota was 8 pounds and six ounces and Cheyenne was seven pounds and nine ounces. Both still hold the records in my family. I think my sister Kr had a baby that might have come close.

Ohh how I wish that you could talk to Janice, Lezli, Mirah, Sandy, Claudia, Robin, Cookie, and the many many others You would see that you are not the only one. That you don't have to continue to put yourself through the shame. I wish for you a selfish streak. You don't have to continue to punish yourself. I know that you punish yourself. All you did was have a baby. All you did was get caught where many others were doing the same exact thing. I don't want you to feel that shame.

Yes I do have questions but a majority of them would be answered just by looking at you. Most would be answered by touching you. We don't need to tell the world just yet. We could keep this just between us.

5 comments:

Mom2One said...

This is just beautiful. I so wish you the best.

suz said...

awww. wishing you some sort of light, peace.

mia said...

(((((((((((((((Amy))))))))))))))

chez said...

You are so right Amy - just a look - just a touch.
But sadly - so out of reach.
Sending you hugs beautiful girl.
HUGE hugs, C. xxx

Ungrateful Little Bastard said...

What a letter... Both sad and angry reading through it.