There were two things that used to freak me out when I was young. One was the sound of a siren. The other was escalators. The siren thing was something that goes back to me being a baby. My mother always said that I would start screaming and crying every time an ambulance could be heard. I think that the fact escalators go underneath is what frightened me so much. I was afraid that it would take me into its depths. My mother could not even hold me. It was something that someone else had to hold me for. I still could not tell you why. I still cringe over sirens. Escalators no longer scare me.
I spoke with a first mother from the same agency. She told me that they took the women to the hospital in ambulances. I wonder now if that is the connection to ambulances. I remember watching a show on burned children. From that point until college, I was deeply afraid of fire. It wasn't until a friend of my sister's named Cassandra that I faced that fear. That was when I told my mother about my fear.
I can't find out about all of my information because it is kept in a secret vault in Indiana. I can't get to my first mother until the records are opened. What is sad is that I have a huge support team waiting for her. I have first mom friends ready and willing to go if she would just venture outside of her fear. I have two in Indiana ready to meet me in Indianapolis. One of which is just like her, a Coleman mother who was there shortly after her. If only I could get that chance. People who are just like her and me. Ready to show her the way to healing and love. If only I could get the chance.
So for now I fight for her and me. I fight for her right to live without the shame, humiliation inflicted upon her by society, the agency, the attorneys. I pray for the fight to re-emerge in her heart. I pray for her to become really selfish. I pray that she gets the spunk and spirit that she and my first father put into me.