Friday, June 29, 2007


Before the adoptive parents and the happy adoptees blow up at me, understand I have been researching this for a year and a half. Understand I have viewed things from all sides of the fence. I have spoken with too many mothers past and present to continue in the belief that adoption can be a good thing. Yes I have had it good with my own situation. I have do have a great deal to be grateful. That is not the point of this post. It does not matter whether I am happy or not. It does not matter how I was raised. My adoptive parents are not bad people but there are adopters who are. You just need to look at Allison Quets and Stephanie Bennett. Too many of these cases are occurring. Its not about a woman changing her mind years after the fact. Its about women today changing their minds minutes and hours afterwards.

Recently I spoke with a wonderful woman. She was trying to get away from an abusive spouse and made some choices. Those choices by our societal standards would be used against her today. In fact they are. I can't do a GOD DAMN THING about it. After she and I talked, I was so angry that no amount of Ambien CR could allow me to sleep. No amount of Hydrocodone would let me sleep. All I could do was hold my husband. Words racing in my head. What I wanted to write and what I promised not to say. I am probably taking it too far as it is.

I can preach adoptee access would keep these things from happening. I doubt it though. The adoptees in fourty years will discover their own truth. Heads will roll. Hearts will be broken. Granted its the ultimate responsibility of adoption attorneys and agencies, it also lies in the adoptive parents' culpability. Yes adoptive parents, you are responsible for the system for being what it is. You are not responsible for choices these women are forced to make. You are not responsible for their social situations that may or may not warrant relinquishment of their children. Its your desire for a child that creates the high demand. I am not saying that its wrong to desire a child. For most women, that is normal. Adoptive parents can and should demand that adoption is based on honesty and openness. It is their responsibility to make sure there is no coercion. It is their job to research the adoption agency and attorneys. It is their money that makes the adoption industry go round and round. It is their money that makes these individuals and agencies do illegal things. Because the end result is money. Its the swimming pool, the mercedes sedan, or the country club membership. Its giving their children the ivy league

Our society still shames a woman for being in an abusive situation. Our society still blames a woman if she gets pregnant without a husband. The right to life movement pushes adoption without ever researching the long term effects on mothers. It does take two to make a child. It still falls on the woman to make a choice. Those choices are centered on permanent solutions for a very temporary situation. After reading the amendment for TANF funds, these types of laws encourage the usage of "second chance homes" or maternity homes. I am just beginning this research. Many people in this reform movement have been doing it for years. Adoption is not God's will. Its man's version of the HIS truth. Every adoptee in the bible returns to his roots. Even Jesus returns to his father. He too was an adoptee light. What would Jesus do in this? Would he really take the babies from mothers to give to others? Doesn't it say to help the widows and the orphans?

Like I said before starting this, this is not based on my experiences or emotions. It is based on human beings that I have met. Its about knowing exactly where these adoptees will be in 40 years. Adoption as it is practiced now must be stopped and investigated. Changes must take place. I just can't take the treatment of the mothers and children anymore. It sickens and angers me that so many people turn a blind eye to human suffering. Instead of solving the problem, they want to use a permanent bandaid.


abebech said...

"Yes adoptive parents, you are responsible for the system for being what it is."
Hard, but true. I would separate out culpability and responsibility, though. It's the belief that I was impressing on other aparents and paparents the former that prevented people from listening to what I had to say about the latter. And it's the latter that not only helps but also requires us to make changes happen.

iris eyes said...


One other point to be made is that adoptive parents lobby the state legislatures to get laws passed to make it 'easier' for them to adopt...they are the ones who are pushing for laws to make prebirth surrenders legal.They are the ones who are testifying that children will be "harmed forever" if they are returned to their mothers after spending one week in the paps home.This is why the timeframes are being is for the convenience of the paps.

In the opinion of one lawyer I consulted: "When mothers are pressured to sign surrenders earlier and earlier, then time is being taken from the natural parents and given to the potential adoptive parents. A mother who is pressured to sign surrender papers right before or right after birth is in no position to make such a life-altering decision. This violates the legal standard of requiring a person to be of sound mind and body, such as when a person signs a will.There is nothing more emotionally and physically overwhelming than giving birth to a child. The mother needs time."

I also have long believed that opening records to adopted people will do nothing to improve the ethics in adoption 'practice". By the time adopted people search the damage is done, and most adopted people are unwilling to upset their adopters.The statute of limitations has long passed by that time.

Kansas has always had open records and has terrible laws for parents.

Pro-lifers are largely a white male dominated group, and white males are the fathers of most of the adopted people in the USA.They are running scared..even now they worry about being 'hit up' for child support..

Andie D. said...

"Adoptive parents can and should demand that adoption is based on honesty and openness."

OH GOD YES! When I was adopted, one was made to feel that asking questions meant that you were ungrateful = BAD. Not just the adoptee, mind you. The adopters also.