It is the title of another blogger. I have thought about it for a long time. Yes that is what I am. Its been over two years since I started this blog. I have made it more political than emotional. Its a way of dealing with my emotions and putting them somewhat on the shelf. Usually when Joy writes something on her blog. I get what she says. She usually does a very good job of stating how I really feel.
I have been asked by many natural mothers to post how I feel so that I can show my mother how I really feel and who I really am. I suspect that yes she does read here. For those adoptive parents that don't get it, your child too will feel these feelings and emotions. I ask and beg that you are supportive and very caring when dealing with your child's emotions.
When I started my search, I was really looking into the father side of things. I didn't have a strong positive fatherly figure in my life for any length of time. As we all know, sometimes adoptive parents do get divorced. My adoptive parents divorced. When my first adoptive father divorced, he was remarried in two weeks following it. He subsequently adopted that woman's daughter who was named Amy. I became Big Amy and she became Little Amy. That taught me at a very early age that I was replaceable. My adoptive mother years later remarried my step dad. I love him very very passionately, but he too treated me abusively. I don't know if it is adoption related or not. He did adopt myself and two of my sisters. He took on this responsibility when he was 27 years of age. I commend him for this. He was already paying for all of our expenses when my first adoptive father did not. I was the only daughter who was allowed to choose adoption. I chose it wholeheartedly. I felt that I was not wanted by my first adoptive father and very replaceable to him. I think for a fourteen year old girl that I made the best decision possible for myself. It was not by any means a perfect decision but the best decision for me. I was loved by him and taught well by him. I know that he too would be very proud of me as is my adoptive mother.
Joy describes what we feel before we search for our parents and we research adoption as a fog. It is very much like that. I walked through my life living that fog. Never once wanting to really look at what I felt It was just too frigging scary to look into that part of my soul. In my travels and my experiences, I have learned many many things. There was no choice for the mothers of my era. If they did a legal abortion, they had to jump through some serious hoops. I have read many books on this subject. A hospital board of directors had to approve the abortion and then a woman might just be sterilized for it. A woman was also considered insane. If a woman used a back alley abortionist, she risked her own life. I have spent a great deal of time understanding my natural mother and why she refused. I have read and reread the transcripts on many many occasions. Sometimes looking for clues and sometimes just trying to understand. In it lies the keys to the inner workings of my soul and who I truly am.
My father's side of the story makes absolute perfect sense to me. I don't mean to sound harsh to my natural mother. My father wanted me. He went as far as contacting the agency months after I was born on the day that my eldest daughter was born thirty one years later. He told his wife of his affair and my subsequent result. Being they only had one child and his wife wanting more, they wanted me. My natural mother chose this maternity home, Suemma Coleman Home for Unwed Mothers. This home didn't specialize in this type of adoption. I am pretty sure this kind of adoption was unheard of in those days. Not too many fathers wanted their illegitimate child. That in itself is a clue. It makes me wonder if he was hispanic or Native American. I am leaning more towards Native American. My daughters are both blonds where I am a brunette. I believe that since his wife thought that she would not get me, she would not pay or allow my natural father to pay for any expenses. From what those transcripts said, this upset and hurt my natural mother greatly. She made some decisions at that time that hurt all of us.
I spent the first year or so being very angry with my natural mother. My adoptive mother demanded compassion on this issue. It took me months to even allow her to read the transcripts. My adoptive mother doesn't come to the blog that often. I know that she has read it a few times. What she has read and been read, she is very proud of me on it.
You know how you hear from prospective adoptive parents how God intervenes on their behalf? Well God has been pushing for adoption reform through me. When I was about 13, God began pushing. We had a family friend's daughter get pregnant. I got the talks. Both of them at the same time. I was playing cards with my sisters. I sat there stunned. My adoptive mother is a big one on honesty. That is one thing that she has blasted into my brain. She believes in taking ownership in one's actions. She told me then when it comes time for me wanting to search, she would back me 100%. For me, my life was too busy to even think about searching. I was eighteen and in love with my first love, Danny. How my mother survived that is beyond me. I asked her about that while I was down there in San Marcos. She said that she thought he was a gentleman. My happy ass was he a gentleman. He wasn't a dog but he was horny and trying his damnedest. I don't know how I resisted. It was this relationship that taught me about my natural mother. I really think my natural father was probably the first kind man she met in her life. I think she fell hopelessly in love. When he told his wife of his actions with my natural mother, it hurt her immensely. I can see her crying hopelessly. I feel her pain. I have wept for her.
Years later, I dated another adoptee, Victor. When we broke up, I told him about me. He was in reunion. I also met my first natural mother, Fonda. She was a gal that I went to high school with. She must have been one of the few women of that time frame that had an open adoption. I think it would have been considered semi closed in this day. I often wonder about her and if I have encountered in blog and internet land. It was during this time that I heard Michelle Wright's song, He Would Be Sixteen. It had me in tears. These were the first two people that I actually spoke adoption with.
In the time that I was in the military, I met my husband and subsequently another adoptee. He and I talked about adoption as well. Monte will always be the one that opened the door for me. He told me how to handle my reunion if I ever dared to enter that realm of adoption. His wife and I had a falling out two years ago. She was willing to force her daughter to place. I think by reading this blog she didn't pursue it any further. I hope her daughter kept with every fiber in my being. I loved her daughter as I do my own. I don't want her hurting for the rest of her life just like my natural mother did.
When I had my first daughter, I had a series of events. I started out seeing Dr. Galindo but switched to Dr. Cadena in my last month. I learned two weeks after the birth of my daughter that he was a black market baby dealer and a drug addict. I can't even begin to imagine the horror of what might have happened. I also met my first BSE mother. She was the City Treasurer. She was absolutely not the crackwhore that the adoption industry likes to put out about natural mothers. She was a successful strong woman. Her name was Sandy. For a moment in time, I was her child and she was my natural mother. She held my daughter as if this was her grandchild. Somehow adoption came up. I mentioned that I was an adoptee. She bravely told me that she was a natural mother. She also told me that she didn't have the right to search. If I knew then what I know now, I would have promptly told her no. You have every right to search. You have the right to know your child. I wish now that I could find her. I don't remember her last name. She is no longer the City Treasurer of that city. I would have gone to hell and back for her in finding her child for her. Sandy was truly a strong and beautiful woman to own up to her experience in adoption. I pray everyday that she is finally in reunion.
The rest of time that followed after that, my adoptive mother began applying pressure for me to find. It was my step father's death that brought it on full force. My adoptive mother wanted us to be young enough to appreciate each other. Thus began this journey. I resigned from the United States Post Office. I got my money from my retirement. I spent some of it on this computer. I also spent $325.00 to have the agency contact my natural mother.
To my natural mother, I apologize for using the agency. I can only imagine what they told you. I know how they treated you back then. I have spoken with two mothers from Coleman who were in that same time frame. I have spoken with other mothers who were in maternity homes in that time frame as well. I have a true support system for both of us. It is made up of both adoptees and natural parents. I have even adoptive parents who truly get your position. I have the adoptive mother that you wanted for me. She does want you in our lives along with your sons and husband.
I think this adoption stuff even has affected my own adoptive mother. I hope and pray that this didn't affect her health. After she was in a regular room, she started crying. She said that she loved my daughters so much but she was devastated that these daughters are not her granddaughters. No I told her. You are just as much a grandmother to my daughters as my natural mother is. I don't want her thinking that she is less than my natural mother. They are both equal. I wish that they both could see that a child can love many parents and grandparents. I think my adoptive mother does see that but I do wish that my natural mother would realize this as well. I am truly the daughter of two women.
For me, I need to heal from adoption. I do want resolution not just for me but for both of my mothers. Soon the records will be open in all states. I don't want to have to explain to my brothers that I exist I am pretty sure my older sister already knows but has no idea how to search or if she wants to search. I am sure that the affair caused a big rift in my father's marriage. I wish that my natural mother would also realize that there are many ways to communicate.
To her, I say that I am here. I say that I fight for you and me. I fight for our right to figure this situation on our own without governmental and agency interference.