Recently someone told me that I am the daughter that all the natural mothers wish was theirs. I love the compliment. Its truly beautiful. They do fill a void for me just as I do for them. It helps heal my wounded soul just a little more every day. I fight because its my right that I am trying to regain. I fight because every single one of these fathers are my father. I fight because I truly get the pain and loss that my natural mother felt. I fight because it could very well have been my adoptive mother that was scammed. I fight to make it right for all of us. I point out the flaws within this system because they hurt the future adoptees, natural parents, and adoptive parents. The entitled adoptive parents give other adoptive parents, the good folks, a very bad name.
Everyone who reads here knows something of my story. My natural mother supposedly refused. I say supposedly because the agency confidential intermediary lied to me on other levels. So I doubt what she has told me. I can only imagine that if she spoke with my natural mother, what was really said. Honestly if my natural mother is anything like me. Katrina Carlisle probably ticked her off royally. You see, Katrina told me that she was the only CI in the state of Indiana that I could use. I found out wrong. She also told me that the law only allows natural mothers to be contact. Funny the law doesn't state "birthmother." It states birth parent. So does the Indiana DCF handbook. I have a preadoptive sibling but since this is my father's oldest daughter, I can't make contact. If the law states differently, why does the state and the agency interpret it differently?
I spent months being angry with her. Thanks to the many adoptees and natural parents along the way, I have long since forgiven her of everything. I know how badly she was treated at the home courtesy of other mothers that were there around that same time frame. I understand fully that she is probably one of the walking wounded. Between losing me and the love of her life, she has done everything to make things right in her life. Is it really right though? I don't think so. I hate to think of her going to her death bed without ever telling my brothers about me. They too have the right to know. They too have the right to make their choices.
I don't expect a perfect reunion. Heck I really don't expect any kind of relationship. I just hope to see her once in my lifetime. To see her walk, to hear her talk, to see my face in her and in my father. To understand truly who my youngest daughter is. To see myself in my own daughters. I don't fully understand the nature in myself or my children. I want to feel good in my own skin. I want completeness in my life.
I don't hate her for relinquishing me. I know why and it makes all the sense in the world to me. Did I have a perfect life? No but it was good. It still has a great deal more work but I can handle that. I want her to know that I do love her. I love her because of what she did and in spite of what she did.
I feel that I have paid dearly for both of their sins. By God they both better be up in heaven when I die because I paid for it here on earth with blood, sweat and tears. I have felt that I was created in sin therefore I am the sin. Their sin is deeply imbedded into my soul. They should be free by the time this life is done.
Ann, no matter what the agency, the state, and the industry tells you, I do love you for who you were back then and now. I never forgot YOU. I remembered. Although that knowledge does painfully hurt sometimes, it still keeps me going in hopes that one day you and I meet. You can rest your weary head upon my shoulders. I will carry you for you made me strong. Forever your daughter, Michellin.