Tuesday, January 22, 2008

WHY DO I DO THIS?

Recently someone told me that I am the daughter that all the natural mothers wish was theirs. I love the compliment. Its truly beautiful. They do fill a void for me just as I do for them. It helps heal my wounded soul just a little more every day. I fight because its my right that I am trying to regain. I fight because every single one of these fathers are my father. I fight because I truly get the pain and loss that my natural mother felt. I fight because it could very well have been my adoptive mother that was scammed. I fight to make it right for all of us. I point out the flaws within this system because they hurt the future adoptees, natural parents, and adoptive parents. The entitled adoptive parents give other adoptive parents, the good folks, a very bad name.

Everyone who reads here knows something of my story. My natural mother supposedly refused. I say supposedly because the agency confidential intermediary lied to me on other levels. So I doubt what she has told me. I can only imagine that if she spoke with my natural mother, what was really said. Honestly if my natural mother is anything like me. Katrina Carlisle probably ticked her off royally. You see, Katrina told me that she was the only CI in the state of Indiana that I could use. I found out wrong. She also told me that the law only allows natural mothers to be contact. Funny the law doesn't state "birthmother." It states birth parent. So does the Indiana DCF handbook. I have a preadoptive sibling but since this is my father's oldest daughter, I can't make contact. If the law states differently, why does the state and the agency interpret it differently?

I spent months being angry with her. Thanks to the many adoptees and natural parents along the way, I have long since forgiven her of everything. I know how badly she was treated at the home courtesy of other mothers that were there around that same time frame. I understand fully that she is probably one of the walking wounded. Between losing me and the love of her life, she has done everything to make things right in her life. Is it really right though? I don't think so. I hate to think of her going to her death bed without ever telling my brothers about me. They too have the right to know. They too have the right to make their choices.

I don't expect a perfect reunion. Heck I really don't expect any kind of relationship. I just hope to see her once in my lifetime. To see her walk, to hear her talk, to see my face in her and in my father. To understand truly who my youngest daughter is. To see myself in my own daughters. I don't fully understand the nature in myself or my children. I want to feel good in my own skin. I want completeness in my life.

I don't hate her for relinquishing me. I know why and it makes all the sense in the world to me. Did I have a perfect life? No but it was good. It still has a great deal more work but I can handle that. I want her to know that I do love her. I love her because of what she did and in spite of what she did.

I feel that I have paid dearly for both of their sins. By God they both better be up in heaven when I die because I paid for it here on earth with blood, sweat and tears. I have felt that I was created in sin therefore I am the sin. Their sin is deeply imbedded into my soul. They should be free by the time this life is done.

Ann, no matter what the agency, the state, and the industry tells you, I do love you for who you were back then and now. I never forgot YOU. I remembered. Although that knowledge does painfully hurt sometimes, it still keeps me going in hopes that one day you and I meet. You can rest your weary head upon my shoulders. I will carry you for you made me strong. Forever your daughter, Michellin.

4 comments:

Suz said...

First, as I have told you myself, I agree with the sentiment of wishing your were my daughter.

Your compassion, understanding and maturity in the face of extreme pain and trauma is admirable. I so wish all adoptees could get find some way to manage the pain. Staying stuck in it, blaming their mothers, leaves them continually alone, they in effect become their own abandoners. (Same is true for mothers who deny contact. They lose their children over and over again when they cannot find the fortitude to walk in the fire).

Of course, I realize it is not that easy. But surely you and many others have found a way. Perhaps you can help your adoptee friends.


Also, if you dont mind, I wanted to comment on this statement.
feel that I have paid dearly for both of their sins.
I believe you have all paid - you, your mother, your father and your entire family system. Everyone has been punished, and for what? For doing what? Loving? Conceiving a child? Believing the lies told to them by social wreckers and society or the church?

That, IMO, is no kind of sin. It is a crying shame. The wrong people are being punished and suffered for the crimes of others.

If they committed a sin, what are you as a product of that? A double sin?

NO, NO, NO!!!!

Hugs to you.

A FOREVER CHILD said...

Thanks Suz love you too lady

Suzanne said...

Beautiful.

DENISE ROESSLE said...

I know way too many adoptees, whose moms have refused reunion, who I wish were my daughter/son, and who wish I were their mother. But we get what we get. Which is also true in natural families that stay together. Boy, did I wish my best friend's family was mine instead of the one I got.

I wish for you to see your mother. Here, not in heaven. I've watched my son find resemblances in me, his uncle, his cousins, and seen him glow in that. It's something those of us who were raised in our own families can't truly get.

Why do you do this? For yourself, but also for others, to help them understand and give them camaraderie. I applaud you!