On one of my google alerts, The Chosen Children by Lori Carangelo came up as a must read. So I spent my late evening hours reading it. It is very good information. She presents many valid points. She nails it home that the adoption industry and its many tentacles needs to be reigned in. Just like the prison system, the adoption industry regulates itself. By the way it is free for download. I can't afford to print it down. I am utterly amazed at the adoptees who have killed. The guy who drug the African American here in Texas was adoptee. That really freaked me out. Most of the others well I knew about.
She presented some really good information about the ACLU. I have learned since this was published that many ACLU members have gone into the practice of adoption themselves. One of the adoption agencies involved in the Masha Allen case is a former ACLU attorney. After working in a state hospital for six months, I would agree with her assessment that there is a higher rate of mental illness in adoptees. I would however add another group to it. I would add first parents to that group as well.
I don't like the terminology of "born losers." I do agree that the system of foster care, adoption, and the prison systems adds to increased abandonment amongst adoptees. Its very harsh to look at it that way. I personally don't like seeing this much pain and harsh reality. It is a system that we as a society must change. Some of the cases that she presents were difficult to read.
One of the things that I thought was interesting was some of the recommendations for adopters by Nancy Verrier, MA, MFT, author of the Primal Wound. A couple of them rang a bell for me. I glanced back at my own childhood. I have still not read this book. I understand it to be the bible of adoption reading.
Usually during the summer time, adoption news quiets down. I have noticed that I will speak of my experiences with adoption and its industry more so during this time. So if you will indulge me my thoughts, I will reveal more of myself.
Behavior is often a metaphor for beliefs. I.E. feels stolen, may steal; living a lie, may lie; people disappear, may hord food. This part really hits home for me. I remember in second grade that I stole my teacher's supplies. I got caught. When I was a child, I remember lying sometimes. It took me literally years to regain my mother's trust. I realize that kids have a problem with it at times. Both of my daughters have had the issue. My oldest quickly learned from her mistake. My youngest is a work in progress. We have tried everything. None of it works except for writing sentences. She has actually been better. She cringes at those sentences. I wonder if my adoptive mother ever realized that connection with me. Its definitely food for thought.
Awareness of adoptee issues such as trust, abandonment, intimacy and a few others. Those are tough ones for me as an adoptee. I am not big on trust. I am finding that adoptees seem to turn on each other faster than an adoptive parent or natural parent could even dream of. It does seem to be with a certain viciousness. I discussed this with an adoptee friend. When she mentioned it, I realized that she was right.
When I think of those sirens, that signaled abandonment for me over and over. I remember at times freaking out badly over them as a child. I didn't put two and two together until just recently. Its my biggest fear. I along with many other adoptees will abandon first because of that fear. I have done it. I will find any excuse to do it. I have to catch myself to prevent unnecessary hurt on others.
Intimacy - OH LORD - is a topic that I have issues in a major way. I have previously mentioned a relationship with a man that I still love to this day. His name was Danny. He would probably have a cow if he knew that I write about him occasionally. My connection to him connects me to my natural mother. It helps me understand her loss with both my father and me. She lost the love of her life and she lost me. Being abandoned by Danny twice and my abandoning him once even further deepens the intimacy issue. It increases the wound. I have long since learned that Danny, no matter how much I love him, is really a damaging person for me. Yes men can be too high maintenance.
After I moved to El Paso, I spoke with Danny's mother, Ann. She accused me of being afraid of intimacy and commitment because of my parent's turbulent marriage. Looking back now presents me with twenty/twenty vision. I would tell her now that wasn't the case. It was my own adoption and its issues. I am sure their marriage played in maybe further increasing the intimacy issue but it wasn't the cause. I was abandoned twice in certain areas of my life and replaced once. That has created a wound all its own.
It is not my adoptive parents' fault. They have raised me well for an adoptee. My adoptive mother left me room to be myself. I know that I am lucky in that sense. It is adoption itself with its secrecy and lies that is the issue. I have heard it say that you must look at the past in order to move forward. Adoptees can't do that. They are discouraged at every turn from doing so. Another saying that I have read in various Native American literature is that it takes ten generations to fix a mistake. I would hate to think that its going to take ten generations to undue what adoption and its secrecy has done.