GARY ALLEN

Ever listen to him? He is one of those country western twangers. His music is usually gutwrenching and painful. I guess his music fits the mood that I am in. I have been watching several friends going through some heart wrenching times. I know how some of them feel because I have walked that mile. It hurts me to see them hurting.

Love, life and death affect adoptees in a more profound way. It hits our guts and tears out our hearts. This is all from my point of view. It hits us twice as hard. We have already had the loss of our lives when we lost our natural parents. I lost my father six years ago this past May. After his death, I didn't want to live. I was on a very dangerous path. I was determined to destroy my own life as I knew it. This was way before I began my search full on.

When he died, my soul crawled into a deep darkness. It took eight months for me to come out of it. My adoptive father was a man that was larger than life. He was louder than life. All of us figured he would outlive us. I know he would not have wanted to linger in a coma for the rest of his life. I pictured myself as tears pouring down my face trying desparately to put the red glass shards of my heart back together. It took me eight months to even write that. Six years later it still hurts. It just becomes numb with time. So when I found out that a friend lost her mother, I can only imagine the hurt. When it comes time for my mother, I will feel devastated and forever lost, forever orphaned. I had that scare this past Christmas. Sad part is that honestly my mother wants to be with my father. He doesn't think that she is ready though. Thank God right.

While I was going through this with my father, my husband and I were growing further and further apart. When I set upon my own destructive path, my husband and I separated. It took me close to a year to pull myself together. It took me that long to save my own marriage. About a year ago, my hubby made amends to me as well. He knew he should have gone with me. He regrets that to this day.

Adoptees are not big on trust. Mentally and intellectually we all realize that our mothers didn't have choice. Emotionally though, we associate that abandonment with love. I think most adoptees feel possessively over their children. Many of us fear someone taking our children. I have walked away from relationships because of the fear of loving someone too much. Of losing ourselves in that person. Its hard to be completely free with someone. I don't know how to be completely free with someone. That is still an issue between my husband and I.

I have looked over my relationships with both friends and lovers. I see now the adoptee issue in me. I had it good for the most part. I had an adoptive mother who loved me passionately. Even though she didn't always like the way that I did things, it still had to be my way. My way of doing things was very different than the rest of the family. My sisters can pretty much predict their children from their past behaviors and others in generations past.

I don't expect a great reunion or any reunion anymore. I do however want to understand my daughters better but I can't do that without knowing my own past. I look at my youngest daughter and have so many questions. The only way that it will ever be solved is by my own search. Thanks to the negative attitudes of laws and society, I can't get those answers for the both of us. I can't understand her truth because I can't understand my own.

According to Native American folk lore, it will take ten generations to undo this mess of adoption. I hope it doesn't take that long. I pray to God that it doesn't take that long. I hope that my friends survive and heal. The Lord above knows that I will keep them in my prayers and in my heart.