LOYALTY AND LURKERS

A dear friend of mine has been discussed in a manner that I find disgusting and very demeaning. She has had other issues to deal with in her life recently that precludes her from shutting it down herself. It irritates me that someone anyone would blast her on the Internet. I don't take kindly to someone doing this to someone I honestly love and respect like a sister.

They have read and posted about this blog. I honestly do not care. At least it is being discussed. My friend's blog is similar to mine. She has discussed her search, her lack of reunion, and adoption law. She like me is a member of Bastard Nation. Part of the tongue in check is the title of this organization. I too have called myself an ungrateful bastard. However, the reason why that organization named itself that was because adoptees' original birth certificate is marked bastard or illegitimate. I spoke with a fellow Indiana adoptee who has hers. Yep its marked illegitimate. I imagine mine is too. I was born two years before her.

Adoption for an adoptee is a lifetime event. Some treat it like its not or that its not an issue. Its not a one time event. It is an event that affects us for the rest of our lives, good or bad. The adoption industry treats us as if we are invisible. Both the government and the industry treats very separately. Separate is not equal.

I have been told many things over the last two to three years:

• Shut up and be grateful that your adoptive parents took you in.
  
• Your adoptive parents are probably ashamed of you.
• Shut up and be grateful that you were not aborted.
• Shut up and be grateful that you were not dumped.
• We must protect the 'birth mothers" from their unwanted children.

Those are some very harsh realities. I expect your adopted children will face them if I and ULB haven't done our jobs.

Here are some of the tacky comments:

By Snafu Suz:

Of course her sense of loss and rejection is valid, and shouldn't be dismissed. I would imagine all adoptees at some point feel a sense of loss and rejection. I think what is a personal problem is her choice to perpetuate these feelings and hold on to them rather than work through them. Just the title of her blog implies she has no intention of working through this any time soon. Granted, I haven't read her blog, but the harshness of the title definitely says a lot.

Snafu Suz, I wonder if you realize what your name implies. Situation Normal All Fucked Up Suz. Military term that I know very well. You are criticizing ULB for her terminology. Pleeeeuuuuze give me a break. If you knew anything about ULB, she has seriously worked through her issues concerning her adoption. If you read her blog, it would make you think outside of this little box that you have yourself cornered into.

By FaithA:

Yes, I agree with your assessment of the self-imposed label. There is a danger is defining yourself by anything that happened to you because you choose to limit your future. If she truly self-identifies as an "ungrateful little bast@%#, then that colors how much joy she likely feels she can experience in life. I went through this in self-identifying as a "victim of child abuse." Yes, I once was a victim of child abuse, but I am no longer a "victim" today. My life can be anything I want it to be.

I could have entitled my personal blog as anything. I chose "Blooming Lotus" because the lotus flower is planted in the muck and mire of the pond but sends out shoots (hope) until it breaks through the surface of the water and brings beauty to the world. That is a very different message than something like "The World's Doormat." The labels we choose for ourselves have power, and I find it sad if she truly feels that her life is forever marred by being placed for adoption.

Ya'll are making a lot of assumptions about ULB. Her life is everything and then some. She is a great, articulate writer. She nails it home great. I think calling one's self a bastard is like telling folks like you to fuck off. Its defiant. In this situation, I think its warranted. Your tone is demeaning and degrading. It treats adoptees like pets.

By Linny (I didn't include all of it because it can be found with the link above):

What I can't accept here, is that the "Ungrateful B-" chooses NOT to separate the rest of her life from what occurred beyond her control.

In my life, the summation of my childhood, it would seem my mother wasn't so thrilled with me either.

I'm not adopted; but for years, THOUGHT I was because of the lack of info about me (compared to that of my sibs), and because of the way my mom acted toward me.
I was the last child.
I was born years after my sibs.
One could easily think MY 'feelings of rejection' were because my mother disliked me. One might also suspect that my birth was 'unexpected', 'unplanned' and therefore, resulted in my mother's seeming rejection, couldn't one?

And yet, years later, in my own searching, I discovered that I WASN'T adopted. I also found that of the three kids, my mother was eager to get pregnant with a child (me). And, only years later, did I realize how much physical pain and agony she truly experienced dealing with a serious, physical illness.

In retrospect, it's very possible it was her deteriorating and debilitating pain that caused her comments of bitterness and displeasure throughout my childhood.
Without that piece of knowledge, it was easy to assume her feelings and figure she just really-- hated ME. It wasn't until after she died (just about five years ago), that I began to see and understand parts of her I'd never understood before.

That's my point here. (Long way around the barn, I agree....but it's my point.) In this case, we only see what the blogger is allowing us to see. She's CHOOSING to list 'adoption' as the main factor in her disappointment in life. She's CHOOSING to list 'adoption' as the main ingredient in making her life 'less-than' it could have been. If only.....If ONLY.........

Yet, on the other hand, how DID her adoptive parents treat her and act about the title of adoption, you know? I read and hear about SO many women who continually lament of 'not being fertile and giving physical birth'...and I think, 'Get over it!'....because while they're lamenting, they have this adopted baby/child in their lives....What is that 'lamenting' really saying???
I'd have to agree it's possible their adopted child will grow up feeling 'less than', after hearing over and over again how their mothers 'couldn't get pregnant and their lives will never--feel--completely intact!'

Excuse me why do modern day adopters always ask what her adoptive parents did to her? Why must it be that the adopters abused an adoptee? This just diminishes the adoptee. Well her adoptive parents abused and that is why she is the way she is. Its not adoption itself that did this. I had good adoptive parents but I am still angry at adoption. Its the way adoption is practiced and how it treats the people that it is supposed to serve, the adoptee. Adoption has become about the adopters and their needs. Adoption gives the following impressions to the adoptee.

• Before we are chosen, we are unchosen.
• Love is abandonment. "Your mother loved you enough to give you away or to people who could take care of you.
• The states, the industry and society itself treats us like we can't handle our own affairs.
• It gives some natural parents the right to abandon the truth that they owe their child.
• It gives some adoptive parents a savior complex. Then it blames it on the adoptee for not accepting it.

I am personally sick of it. I don't want to be grateful. In fact, I am not good at it. Is this how your treat your adopt child? If so, you will be seeing your own child's blog online in the years ahead. It will be more angry than mine or ULB's could ever be. I suggest you continue to read about us ungrateful little bastards. I suggest putting yourself in our shoes. Imagine that you have been taken to another country or state. Imagine that you were forced to give up all of your identification, phone, credit cards and other forms of identifying information. Imagine you had to accept this new family as your own. Imagine that you were told to shut up and be grateful that this strange family wanted you. Imagine if you were told that you could never talk to your family ever again. Imagine if you were told that you had to accept it because if you didn't you would be labeled angry and bitter. Imagine all that you feel about it was dismissed. That is what it feels like to be an adoptee.