I was thinking about a blog post by Harlow's Monkey and adoptees in reunion. I know. These two topics have nothing in common. What is it about search and reunion that brings out sometimes the worst and the best in all of us? Its bad enough that the adoption industry treats us incapable of handling anything on our own. We have difficulty doing things on our own. I don't think we need outside help in that we need the industry to help regulate how we feel about our families. Its hard for us to communicate our needs to one another.
Adoption has not been bad to me except when I decided to search. My adoptive mother and father loved me. Yes there were issues but it has long since been resolved. Looking back, I can see the adoption connection in my actions and reactions. I can see it in theirs as well. What did they do right? They loved me. What they did wrong? They did not understand me. How could they really? They did not know. The information was sealed from even them. I don't take issue with them on it except when they think that I am rejecting them.
I am not rejecting them. I do however need to understand me. Its not a competition. I don't love one set of parents more than the other. I just want to know the other set of parents. I really honestly believe in knowing myself fully that I can fully understand my daughters. I can help them to become who they need to be. Its not just me that I am healing.
I look over to my friends in reunion. I am envious. We are inately one way but through adoption, we have been directed into another direction. I know some of my friends have had issues in their reunion. I feel its trying to correct the splinter created by adoption. I hate to say this but I would give anything to be in their situations. I would love to know my heritage. I would love to look at my natural parents and go "I get it now." Yes I am jealous but I don't begrudge my friends their reunions. I know the road is rough and rife with pain. That is why they call it a roller coaster. I just wish that I was beyond the point that I am in my search. I wish that I had found even if it doesn't ever go anywhere.