GUT HONEST AND SCARED

My adoptive mother recently visited my blog when I made a post about her and our relationship. I have been very open about my blogs with her. She knows that I do this. She also knows that my knowledge on adoptee rights is extensive along with my desire to reform adoption. She believes as others have said that I was destined for this kind of work.

She knows that I have been writing Indiana legislators for years now. Its finally taking hold. The legislators are listening. I have two great adoptee friends that are pushing and speaking with legislators up there. Since I am not a registered voter in Indiana, I can only provide support and cheering section. I believe that if a bill is presented that it will be a contact/disclosure veto law. I won't be able to stop it. I hope that it will be a good bill.

However it has brought up some issues. When I finally discussed my article about my mother with my mother, we discussed the possibility of getting access to my OBC and what it will mean. I may have dreamed of this possibility but I have not been able to imagine the possibility. I have refused to let my hopes get too high.

Although I suspect that these transcripts are false, it has planted the seeds of doubt. I can go and get all of my natural mother's current information. However, I will be very reluctant to make that call. I would not be seeking the relationship that I have with my adoptive mom or with many of my mother friends, Sandy, Betsey, Robin, and others. I get my emotional needs very met with these women. My adoptive mother made the comment that if this comes to fruition, she wants me to go meet my natural mother just once. She wants us both to have that.

I had to tell her that might never happen. I also told her that I could not guarantee that I would get over my fear of rejection for a third time. She said, "No, I will not let you do that. I want you to try and make contact. I hope that you two will meet. That is what I want for you." Okay yea I know I have a cool mom. I know that my situation is unusual. I am very grateful that she is my mother. She however will not let me walk away with my fear intact. She will see to it that that fear crushed.

The other is that my natural mother will not meet me. The other reality is that she won't talk with me. Its a reality that I may have to accept. For now, I am actually hoping that I will get access to that elusive document. That dream is coming at me with frightening reality.