Sunday, February 04, 2007


If anyone hasn't already read it, read She speaks from the gut. I know that I have a hard time with it. I am probably going to hear about this one from my family. I guess they too need to hear or should I say read it? So K I don't want to hear about it okay. It gets back to me when you don't like something. This blog is about me and my issues.

Yes for me it does suck. I am still a child in the eyes of Indiana law. I am the forever child of a forever family. Yep that does aggravate and irritate me. I rant and rave against the oppression. It is oppression. I am a fourty one year old woman who has her own family, who has fought for her country, and who does work to help provide for her family. I vote responsibly. If I don't understand the issues, I learn about them. If I don't like something that I have to do, I still do it because it is my responsibility. I pay taxes. I do the dishes when I absolutely hate it along with the other chores.

If I were to meet my first mother right now, yes I would be very leery. Yes I would angry with her. Yes I would hurt. It would take a great deal to keep it under control. Heck she has kicked me to the curb twice now. She has denied me my rights. She has denied my brothers theirs. She is not willing to let them make their own minds up about this. She is not willing to let my first father make his own decisions on this. She is not willing to let my sister decide for herself whether or not she wants to meet me. We are all adults. This is the only sector of humanity that the government regulates. They don't even regulate the gays and their lives. They may not recognize their marriages but they recognize their unions. Here in Texas they have domestic partners. In some states they let transexuals change their sex on their birth certificate but we can't see ours. How are we more controversial? Why am I not worth knowing? Why does she have the final say on this? I didn't have any rights then and have even less now because Indiana does not recognize the adult adoptee nor the first father as actual parties to adoption? WE did not give up our rights. She did. Now that I have gotten more information about the maternity home that she was at. I wonder at times if she even gave up her rights. I wonder if he fought for me. She obviously had health complications which would explain some of mine.

Yes I am scared to death of meeting her. I am scared of the rejection all over again. It was devastating a year ago. Yes I do feel at times that since she gave up her rights she should not have final say on records that record MY birth. I have to wonder how the many mothers out there got to the point where they met their children. I understand some vowed that they would find. How did they get to that point? What was the process? What about the mothers that held back and were leery? Those are the ones I want to hear from. I get the Moms that are fighting along with us even the anti-adoption ones.

What about the adoptive parents? Are you comfortable with your child's search? Sometimes I think it was my mother's worst nightmare. I don't know how many times that I have heard her say what about me. I do understand that. It isn't about anyone but me. For so long, I kept my feelings about my adoption buried. I have lashed out at her and my sisters. What they don't get is that this is about me. Its about my right to be a little selfish. You have to understand I am not exactly selfish. I will go without something so someone I love can have their needs met. I do feel the overwhelming guilt. Sometimes its just feeling for being alive. That I didn't deserve the opportunity. This is a common thread in adoptees. Billy Joel sings a song that I have always loved.. MY LIFE I think that I just wanted to live my life. I want the opportunity to know all aspects of it. Everyone else in the non adopted sector gets that opportunity. They know kinship, heritage, and history. Me I just have to suck it up. Well I am tired of sucking it up. I have been doing it way too long. I have denied myself by doing that. I have hurt myself by doing that. Yes I felt guilty for wanting to search because I do love my mother. I just can't deny myself any longer. This crap is hurting me. To forgive is for me to understand. To forgive is make sure both adoptive parents and first parents understand us as well.

Adoption was an experiment designed for children in their best interests. It has become about the adoption agencies and their so called first moms wanting privacy. It is not about the child's best interests. It is about covering their proverbial asses. Its about collecting their little bonuses. I no longer want to be someone's product. I want to be ME. I really don't care if anyone likes it or not. Its not about first parents. Its not about adoptive parents. These laws take away the rights of the adoptees involved.

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