Monday, August 04, 2008


I was thinking about a blog post by Harlow's Monkey and adoptees in reunion. I know. These two topics have nothing in common. What is it about search and reunion that brings out sometimes the worst and the best in all of us? Its bad enough that the adoption industry treats us incapable of handling anything on our own. We have difficulty doing things on our own. I don't think we need outside help in that we need the industry to help regulate how we feel about our families. Its hard for us to communicate our needs to one another.

Adoption has not been bad to me except when I decided to search. My adoptive mother and father loved me. Yes there were issues but it has long since been resolved. Looking back, I can see the adoption connection in my actions and reactions. I can see it in theirs as well. What did they do right? They loved me. What they did wrong? They did not understand me. How could they really? They did not know. The information was sealed from even them. I don't take issue with them on it except when they think that I am rejecting them.

I am not rejecting them. I do however need to understand me. Its not a competition. I don't love one set of parents more than the other. I just want to know the other set of parents. I really honestly believe in knowing myself fully that I can fully understand my daughters. I can help them to become who they need to be. Its not just me that I am healing.

I look over to my friends in reunion. I am envious. We are inately one way but through adoption, we have been directed into another direction. I know some of my friends have had issues in their reunion. I feel its trying to correct the splinter created by adoption. I hate to say this but I would give anything to be in their situations. I would love to know my heritage. I would love to look at my natural parents and go "I get it now." Yes I am jealous but I don't begrudge my friends their reunions. I know the road is rough and rife with pain. That is why they call it a roller coaster. I just wish that I was beyond the point that I am in my search. I wish that I had found even if it doesn't ever go anywhere.


Ungrateful Little Bastard said...

I wish the same for you too. And I wish for you that it does go somewhere. You deserve it.

Anonymous said...

Well said. I hope you succeed.

Eve said...

Amy, how would you know that your parents (or anyone else, for that matter) "understood" you? And do you believe you understand yourself? Is it possible to understand yourself when such a large part of your history is still missing? And is it possible that sometimes adoptees project parts of their own lack of self-awareness onto others?

One of my favorite Jung quotes states outright that it's impossible to know oneself without history. I just finished doing a series on writing, and two parts were a writer's mandala, with one's ancestors and history one of the four foundation stones of the whole person. So knowing oneself includes knowing one's personal, cultural, and national history. I've been wondering how much we can understand of ourselves when we lack context, whether that's because of adoption or some other lack of information.

This post really touched me. I pray you get what you need. {{hugs}}

Amyadoptee said...

Thank you. You are right. Without my past, I can't know who I am and what I was meant to be. I think, however, thanks to adoption, I may have to accept what I have been dealt. I hate that I have probably been lied to by the agency and the state. I hate that its been done to thousands of other adoptees from Indiana.

I have to accept what I know so far of myself. I have to accept my own understanding of myself. It doesn't mean I like it or that I am going to stop fighting. What is the saying? I don't have to like it but I do have to do it. I have to heal myself somehow someway.

Thanks ULB and Unsigned. I hope that I do. I just have to accept that it will never happen.

Unicorns Never Fly... said...

I sincerely hope that you find some answers AKA some peace. I can't believe that I am officially on the other side of this coin now. I remember those days of wondering quite well. I finally found my answers. I wish all adoptees were able to find their missing pieces, and get the much deserved healing that comes along with the discovery.

Wishing you sustained hope....

Karen said...

I too feel envious of some of my reunited adopted friends. I have found my birth parents and they are both mentally ill due to drug use and other issues. I wish I could have had that happy reunion. The one as an adopted child I had dreamed of my whole life. I can talk to my birth mother and I am grateful. But I still have never really met her. I have met the messed up individual that let all the bad in life take her down. I have met 5 brothers only about 2 or 3 are interested in me and a couple want nothing to do with me. Some because of their own experiences and some don't want to know me because they are still in denial and protecting there adoptive parents. I hope you find your heritage and your roots and most importantly your health background if you do not know it. I know now I am blessed to know anything. I am proud of my roots. Birth name Carla Ann Clooney. I was excited to find out that I am actually related to George Clooney. I mean its down the line quite a ways 3rd cousin but its still cool. Knowing anything about me is cool these days. I know that I can share all my information with my son someday. He will have his whole sense of identity. I love your posts and share your same frusteration with our system. How dare society tell us we can't know our birth family. I still can not have my original birth certificate even though I know both my mother and father. And 5 siblings. And no one in social services will help me locate my two lost brothers. I even had a social worker look at me and say, "Karen why are you still looking aren't you happy you found 5 brothers isn't that enough". I couldn't believe the words out of that ladies mouth. Sacramento County is the worst. Well good luck to you, and I can't wait for our laws to change.

Teri Brown said...

The need to know is strong for birthmothers and adoptees alike. Birthmothers need to know that the child they relinquished was loved and cherished. Adoptees need to know who they are from their heritage as well as need their medical histories.

I have always believed that birth families need to find their answers, no matter what the outcome might be. I hope you find your answers and I wish you all the best.

Teri Brown
Adoption Records Handbook