Saturday, October 18, 2008


In real life for me, my adoptive mom is my mother in most respects for me. Understand one thing, I love her very very much. She is Mom in the real world for me. I am not in reunion. The three other motherly figures in my life are Sandy, Janice and Betsey, three women who have helped me heal in many respects. I get from them what my own natural mother can not at this time or maybe ever give to me. This has been a topic on my mind for a while. I have wanted to say something about it but the words escaped me. I do not expect any kind of relationship but I want closure.

I have said that my adoptive mother is unique woman unto herself. Everyone who reads here has heard the story. She was the one that yank my chains to keep me compassionate. The very first one. I know that adoption itself is complicated for her. She has mentioned wanting to go back into the fog time and time again. It is just as painful for her as it has been for me. She has seen full force how much the adoption industry and the state of Indiana has hurt me. Sometimes she is in awe of how I am able to handle it. She however doesn't see when I let those feelings out. I do not want her to see that ever. Its because I do love her that I am that way. I feel very honestly that it would devastate her. I don't want her going ferocious on the adoption industry. That is my job and my job alone in my family.

A situation came up that I wonder about but I know that she will never tell me. Is it a reflection on her mothering capability that I am so militant on adoptee rights and adoption reform? Many of the old school adoptive parents and the adoption agencies would probably say yes. However many of my readers which includes the adoptive parents, natural parents, and other adoptees would say no. If the adoption industry knew who she was, would they send a barrage of negative complaints against her? I worry about that. I believe that she is a good woman and mother. She has done her best to make my landing a soft one; however it has taken me this long to realize and accept that adoption does hurt me as an adoptee. I do believe that it will take at least ten generations to heal that rift that my adoption caused me and my children. That is what it is going to take to understand this rift created by the adoption industry.

Do I blame my adoptive mother for this rift? No not by any means. Do I blame my natural mother? Again no not by any means. It was societal mores that created that situation. I most certainly blame the adoption industry for continuing in this path. I blame them for doing their best to keep us separated, instigated and fighting.

Some adoptees have had abusive situations with their adoptive parents. Others beautiful and heavenly. Others feel indifference even more so. Some look deeper at the issues and others just can't look deeper or do not want to. Others don't even have an issue. Every adoptee, natural parent, and adoptive parent has a different experience. Just as there as many different types of adoptees, adoptive parents and natural parents, there are just as many reasons to search.

I have spoken with countless adoptees. I think one thing is true for some of us if not all of us. We adoptees have experienced loss. For many years, its been hard to define. I think most adoptees mourn what they could and should have been. Because of the secrecy, it is denied us. It is NOT the fault of our adoptive parents. In fact, I think adoptive parents today are denied knowledge in raising their children to be what they should be because of that secrecy. I think that secrecy is very very harmful to all involved. I know that is especially true of myself. If anything my adoptive mother encouraged who I was. Despite my adoptive mother's allergies and other stuff, she still encouraged my love for cats, animals, and math. She knew that it was a natural ability. My adoptive mother never once denied that I was also the daughter of another woman and man. She never perpetrated this myth of "as if born to." I do feel however that I am her daughter and I always will be. I do not want her feeling less of a mother because of this situation. It irritates and hurts me that she would think that because of the words of someone else. Especially of a person who has not taken the time to look or scratch below the surface of adoptees and their lives.

Its hard for an adoptee to be honest with themselves. Let alone with another member of the foot stool. I am honest about my feelings somewhat. I am out there with those feelings. I know that I mourn the loss of what I should have and could have been. I will always wonder what that would have been. There is a young boy on this ranch who has been placed with a good loving family. I know the adoptive parents love that child passionately. I see however in him the same mourning but being unable to define it. I as that older adoptee want to just put my arms around him and hold him. I want to let him know that I get it. I hope that he will let me in his life later to be able to help him and his adoptive family.

Will open adoption adoptees have issues? Yes they will. What they will be remains to be seen and studied. Of course what else needs to be reviewed is the types of open adoption. Personally the only types of open adoption that I as an adoptee approve of are the ones that are fully disclosed.

I view most closed era adoptees as trees who have been stripped by a strong windy thunderstorm. We have survived the storm but are left with branches that have been stripped and have died. We have to spend years recovering. Some of us grow strong with the welding of another tree or branch. Some of us have not. Some of us have recovered doing what I am doing.

In an open adoption, I believe those adoptees are more like mesquite trees. We adjust and spread in many different ways. The branches of both the adoptive and the natural families become intertwined and strong. I have seen many a beautiful mesquite tree intertwined and strong here where I live.

Sadly the adoption industry views the open adoption mesquites as pesky weeds and bushes that are out of control. The adoption industry views these trees as needing to be controlled or destroyed as much of the ranchers in Texas view the mesquite trees. I as a child have played on many a huge winding mesquite tree.

I believe that the adoption industry failed me, my two mothers, and my three fathers. None of my parents failed me. They all did the best that they could do with the tools given to them at that time. Today however I want the adoptees and their families to have more. That more being the tools denied to my parents. The current adoption industry would still like to see those tools denied. Its time to put an end to it. It starts with me.


maybe said...

Your amom sounds like a truly beautiful woman.

Anonymous said...

I think it is just propoganda that only adoptees from unhappy adoptive families want to search.

It is true that even if the adoptive family is absolutely wonderful, there is still an ache there on the part of the adoptee. I think you have catagorized it correctly, the fault for that longing lies not with the people but with the institution.

It's what we mothers all wish we had known when they told us this was what was best for our child.