Wednesday, December 14, 2005

EMOTIONS OF THE ADOPTION TRIAD

When I decide to write my posts, I usually draw on my daily experiences. I find a topic that I know affects all of us in the adoption triad. I read a poem in a Letter Carrier's union magazine once that I find fits everyone. It was about fighting for your beliefs. I remember it saying one group was being attacked, that person did not fight back because it did not concern them. Eventually all groups were attacked and eliminated and only that person was left behind. When he needed someone to stand and fight with him, there was no one left to help him fight. That is why I write. Someone somewhere has to stand up and fight for the rights of everyone.

I was chatting with a customer and another coworker yesterday. We were discussing adoption. The customer had adopted a child from Korea. She is now grown and in college but I found out that she had some problems growing up. As I listened to her story, I tried explaining the adoption connection with those problems. All I heard was that they couldn't understand why that child acted the way she did when she was so beautiful.

When I realized that I wanted to start searching, I began with friends. I was lucky that the friends that I chose along the way in some form or fashion were related to adoption. I guess I never realized that until now. I have spoken with parents who gave children up, with my own parents, with adopted children who had reunited positively and not so positively. We all have something in common. That was our feelings. I am talking about core feelings.

I know what I feel. I can explain them. So I will start at that point. I have always felt like I was walking through my life with blinders on. I used to have nightmares about it. I just couldn't get my eyes wide open enough to see the situation for what was going on. I also always felt that I did not deserve to be alive. I was always walking around feeling guilty for being alive. I did not say these feeling were necessarily rational but they just exist. I have to accept them for what they are and where they originate. I was always scared that I would be left alone and abandoned. I still face that issue.

Now that I have started my search, I have also begun looking into the emotional issues behind adoption. What I discovered shocked me. Everyone in the triad feels these issues as well. At last I was not alone. It is perfectly normal for adoptees to feel this way. I have read several articles and studies done through informational clearinghouses. One study in particular comes to mind. They mentioned only domestic adoptees feel this way and foreign adoptees don't have these issues. Gee whiz did anyone talk to this young girl about her feelings? I guess not. I have to wonder if at a core level these people feel that they would be sent back home to their own country if they told the truth about their feelings. Some of these studies need to be taken at face value.

I was lucky that I sought help for living with an alcoholic father. I went to Alanon and Alcoholic Anoymous meetings. I even did a little therapy along my travels. I was eventually held accountable for my feelings. This process opened a lot of my wounds and forced them to heal. I know that many other people have varying degrees in their feelings concerning their adoption experiences. What I felt was the norm amongst us adoptees. I have listened to my birth mother friends along the way. They face the same kind of loss and all of its issues. My own adoptive parents have suffered loss along the way as well.

I guess that is why I hate secrets so much. They cause so much damage. If you don't stand up fight along side with your brother and sister because it doesn't concern you, what will happen when they come for you? I know that I am being attacked on several fronts. I am a mother, a worker, an adoptee, and as a woman. If I don't stand up and fight, then my rights will be further eliminated. WRITE YOUR LEGISLATORS. TELL THEM TO OPEN ADOPTION RECORDS FOR ALL. DON'T LET THE SECRETS DESTROY YOU. DESTROY THE SECRETS AND YOU SHALL BE SET FREE.

1 comment:

Manuela said...

"I also always felt that I did not deserve to be alive. I was always walking around feeling guilty for being alive."

EXACTLY!! YES!!!! I know precisely what you mean... thank you SO much for sharing this...