As I do every night, I go to adoptiontriad.org chatroom. I enjoy chatting with the folks in there. They have always made me at ease. Yes we talk about adoption and our stories but we also discuss many other things as well. We recently had someone come in and beg us to read her blog. We did and we were shocked. She mentions committing suicide. Of course we all jump on the bandwagon trying to "save" this girl. Come to find out she just wanted attention from us. Pretty sad if you think about it. This in turn brings me back to the emotions in this subject. They are so wide ranging and difficult to explain and sort through. I am always researching the emotions behind this topic. When it comes time for my own reunion, I will be better prepared for any outcome. I don't want to be hurt by the outcome of any situation. Friends tell me its called preparing for the worst and praying for the best.
I read something last night that was like reading my own story. The article I think was an excerpt from Primal Wound. You see I wasn't the child that acted out. I was one of the quiet ones. I guess I am lucky in the fact that I have explored my deeper sides through counseling and support groups. I have always been independent since I was a child. I have always entertained myself. I have never really needed someone to make me completely happy. I have known that my happiness depends on me. My value as a woman and a human being depends upon me. This knowledge was always there but it took me a while to realize that this was the true me. The one true thing that I have always felt was a deep raging anger that sometimes threatens to get out of control. I honestly thought it was due to life's little injustices or all the situations that I put myself in. After reading that article, I realize that it is my inner self or child screaming out to be recognized. I also realized that this is all part of discovering my true self. I think it explains why a great of deal of the feelings going on in the adoption triad. It is the profound sense of loss that everyone feels. This article addressed these side effects of adoption. So how do I get to that inner self to resolve the rage that I feel? That will be my next journey.
Until then rage on folks. Write your congressmen and women. Write your senators. Change those laws that have wounded all of us so badly. Make laws fair and applicable to all. Til the next blog. Have a merry Christmas, a Wonderful Holiday Season, and a joyous New Year. May God in his many wonderous forms bless one and all of us.