Sunday, April 09, 2006


My question today and yesterday was this "Who am I"? Am I defined by my birthfamily or my adoptive family? Am I any more or less now that I have some information? I do know some of my history but is it the truth? Do I take every thing that I have learned verbatim? I have known who I was by the circumstances that I have lived. I know that I am a daughter, sister, soldier, wife, mother, letter carrier, and now a mental health worker. Do those jobs define me? I think that they are a part of me. I am also a pet owner of many cats and dogs. I even help my husband care for the horses and cattle that are on the ranch. Wife, mother, and Mental health worker describe who I am right now. I do know that. I also enjoy crafting. I love crocheting, sewing, and antiqueing furniture. I also plan on entering the Ranch Roundup for my crafting ability. This is also another part of me. I love Miami CSI, New York, CSI, CSI, and many other basic crime shows. I will stop what I am doing just to watch those shows. Do they also define who I am? I guess I am multifaceted in many ways. Do these ways and angles define who I am?

Somehow I just don't know. Are any of these choices affected by the fact that I am adopted. All my life I knew that I was adopted. It was an issue that I never faced head-on because it was something I couldn't wrap my brain around. I also have always known that I was different. Was that feeling of difference caused by the fact that I was adopted? Don't know and therefore couldn't really tell you. I have many sides to my personality which lead to my individuality. I have always known that I was a product of an affair. My mother always thought it was a love affair. She always made sure that I knew that information or as much information that she knew. There are certain aspects of my personality that can be attributed to the fact that I am an adoptee. I am a control freak. I always known that I was different. I have always done things and thought things through differently.

I guess my logical brain is asking what would finding my birthfamily really do and change in me? Is it worth it to crash through the wall my birthmother has around herself to discover who and what I am in totality? I know some of it but not all of it. Is it really worth it? Knowing that I am her dirty little secret and knowing that the State of Indiana is helping her keep that secret totally bugs the crap out of me. You would think my adoptive parents would view me as their property. Its not the case here. I belong to her and the state of Indiana. I can't even vote or write the senators and congressmen of the state of Indiana because I am not a constituent. I am a constituent of the state of Texas. If I was born in Texas, I would not have this problem. Texas is a semi-open state. I do feel that my birthfather deserves to know who and what I am. I do feel that he deserves to know that I ended up in his home state of Texas. He deserves to know that he and my sister have two granddaughters just as my mother does. I don't think its fair to lock up that information. I can't change her thoughts and her opinions because I had to use a confidential intermediary. I will always feel no matter if I find her or not that she owes me that one phone call. She and I need to hear each others' voices just to quiet the questions.

Today I don't know the answers to the definition to me. Hopefully soon I will understand it all.

1 comment:

Mia said...

I can sure relate to this!!!