Wednesday, April 19, 2006


Today was an alright kinda day. Nothing too exciting happened. I have come a long way though. I had over six inches of paperwork to figure out and double check. I am down to 135 names to check out. I have less than a inch of paperwork left. What is totally ironic is that I have only ten names so far. I just need to hunt down the obituaries to confirm it all. I may just call the newspapers to find out more. Maybe this time I may have found her. Oh what to say to the woman? Or do I just call her mom first? I don't really want to disrupt her life but I know that I will cause disruption just by calling. How can she keep the fact that I have contacted her through an intermediary a secret? I wonder if she jumps every time the phone or the door bell rings? Her husband must think she is nuts by now. She must have so little faith in her husband and her sons. If her husband knew about my birth and he still married her, he must be a man of gold especially back in the seventies. If he loves her like I think he does, he would probably want to meet the extension of her, me. I seriously doubt her sons would condemn her. They are much younger than me and probably have an open mind especially if one is becoming a doctor. How could she think I would not find her? I get my intelligence from her as do my brothers.

I was rereading the transcripts that Catrina sent me. YES she sent me transcripts. So if you are out there Anne reading this post. Yes I do know every thing you said. I still don't judge you for it. Just a little confounded and irked. You really can't blame for those feelings. I do understand that you are scared and freaked out. I will find you, though. I deserve one look at you and you deserve one look at me. Where do I get my almost black brown eyes? I can't be all white. My daughters didn't even get those color of eyes. Although I do think if I had another child, it would have been a boy and that boy would have blue eyes. Just like your brother. It may take me longer than Catrina but I will find you. I swear that I will just stare at you for hours memorizing all the little lines, all the gray hairs if you even have any. I think too that I will have to refrain from touching you though because it might scare you. I would love to just touch your face and look into your eyes. Looking and touching your face will finally seal the hole that is in my heart. I think it is time for you to take a knee or better the expression "Waiting to exhale" You deserve the right to stop beating yourself up just as I do. Maybe we can find that with each other. I don't need you to replace my mother but I need you none the less.

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