Wednesday, May 31, 2006


I am a birthmother. I am also very proud to be Amy’s “surrogate” or substitute birthmother until such time as she connects with her own. I hope that she will not be too self-conscious or modest to print this.I met Amy through an email list primarily for birthparents – Concerned United Birthparents. The depth of her compassion for others on the list never ceases to amaze me. What mother would not drool at finding such a wonderful daughter...and as a bonus, two adorable granddaughters!!! How I hope that someday Amy’s mother will be reign in these treasures. I have worked with reuniting adoptees and birthmothers for nearly 30 years and know well the pain reunification can cause, especially for a birthmother who has remained in denial and/or has not shared with a current spouse and/or other children. The fear, the shame, the guilt all coming crashing to the surface when our surrendered children make contact with us, seemingly our of the blue. It can be very overwhelming and put id very off kilter – make us feel very out of control, invaded and violated.That is why it so good that there are support groups like CUB to help birthmothers in that situation. Many have found the comfort of others who have been faced with the identical situation and learned how others have managed it. For many of us, finding CUB or a local support group, was the first realization that we were not the only person in the world who ever gave a child up for adoption! On top of dealing with a horrendous and often traumatic loss... It is complicated by never being recognized socially and therefore having no outlet for what is known as “healthy” grieving. Many of us do what we have told to do – go on “as if” nothing ever happened and build a “new life” and often do not even tell spouses. And we certainly fear telling any subsequent children...what would they think of us?Surprisingly, hundreds of us have gotten through these seemingly insurmountable obstacles and found love and support from family, children and friends all of whom were actually delighted for us to be reunited! Amy’s Mom...if you are out there... Know that Amy is worth every effort on your part..and know too that she is an intelligent, sensitive, caring person and would honor any limits you placed on her knowing you. If you would like to speak with me personally, you may do as at then, I will continue to reap the joy and pleasure of my “surrogate” daughter Amy!

1 comment:

Marie said...

Many of us do what we have told to do – go on “as if” nothing ever happened

Your words are encouraging and life affirming. These horrible walls will crumble as more and more people devastated by adoption continue to speak up and speak out and kindness begins to blossom from the corpse of the old cruel ways. You are wonderful. {big hug}