Sunday, July 02, 2006
HATE MY BIRTHDAY MONTH
Today is going to be an emotional one. In fact this entire month will be. Its my birthmonth. Although my family and friends would want me to rejoice, I feel rejected again. I have to wonder if she is feeling anything. I wonder if she is reliving her time in Suemma Coleman Home for Unwed Mothers. Does she remember each day that she was there? Does she realized that she has refused me not once but twice? Does she realize that this hurt me twice over? Does she realize that I have gone out of my way to understand what her life must have been like back then? I have spoken with many birthmothers, adoptees, and adoptive parents. I have to wonder if she realizes the irony of her own parents marriage? When her mother was pregnant with her, that is when they got married. That is the funny part. Does her mother even know that I made contact? Somehow I don't think she knows. Does she know that I was pregnant when I got married? Of course my outlook was different. Pregnancy in my mind was not a reason to get married. My husband basically told me that we either get married or I needed to move on. Yep I had the proverbial shotgun held on me not the other way around. I would have raised my daughter either way. I don't regret my decision for a minute. Does she also know that I had to pay $325 just for the phone call and non identifying information? God it hurts knowing that she has turned her back on her only daughter. Does she not understand that I am just as intelligent as her sons, my brothers? I don't know how many times whether I am on the road driving home from work, at night when everyone has gone to bed, and countless other places that I have cried hard tears. When I hear of a reunion of someone, I am so happy but so envious. I heard of a woman whose daughter made contact and she is scared about it. Please don't be scared. I pray for her that her daughter has as much information as I have. I know that she has strong support. I want to tell her that it will be fine. Take it nice and slow. Your world will change but it will be for the better. It will heal your heart with love. I still come down to one thing. Why? Why do you not want to talk to me?