Sunday, July 02, 2006

HATE MY BIRTHDAY MONTH

Today is going to be an emotional one. In fact this entire month will be. Its my birthmonth. Although my family and friends would want me to rejoice, I feel rejected again. I have to wonder if she is feeling anything. I wonder if she is reliving her time in Suemma Coleman Home for Unwed Mothers. Does she remember each day that she was there? Does she realized that she has refused me not once but twice? Does she realize that this hurt me twice over? Does she realize that I have gone out of my way to understand what her life must have been like back then? I have spoken with many birthmothers, adoptees, and adoptive parents. I have to wonder if she realizes the irony of her own parents marriage? When her mother was pregnant with her, that is when they got married. That is the funny part. Does her mother even know that I made contact? Somehow I don't think she knows. Does she know that I was pregnant when I got married? Of course my outlook was different. Pregnancy in my mind was not a reason to get married. My husband basically told me that we either get married or I needed to move on. Yep I had the proverbial shotgun held on me not the other way around. I would have raised my daughter either way. I don't regret my decision for a minute. Does she also know that I had to pay $325 just for the phone call and non identifying information? God it hurts knowing that she has turned her back on her only daughter. Does she not understand that I am just as intelligent as her sons, my brothers? I don't know how many times whether I am on the road driving home from work, at night when everyone has gone to bed, and countless other places that I have cried hard tears. When I hear of a reunion of someone, I am so happy but so envious. I heard of a woman whose daughter made contact and she is scared about it. Please don't be scared. I pray for her that her daughter has as much information as I have. I know that she has strong support. I want to tell her that it will be fine. Take it nice and slow. Your world will change but it will be for the better. It will heal your heart with love. I still come down to one thing. Why? Why do you not want to talk to me?

11 comments:

Joy said...

Ohh Amy, sending you cyber hugs,
I understand completely about thi birthday thing.

((((((((((((((Amy))))))))))))))))))

Attila The Mom said...

(((Amy)))

I'm so very sorry.

Kippa Herring said...

I am so sorry, Amy.

kim.kim said...

Oh Amy, I wish she would be more welcoming and less afraid. I am sorry.

sara m said...

Amy, I know how you feel. My birthday was last month and I always feel very alone on that day. My kids don't even really know when it is because I don't celebrate, I mourn.

This year I was sitting on a boat in Puerto Vallarta and all I could do was cry. She knows I know where she is but she won't reach out and I still don't have the courage.

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Amy,

I too was adopted from the Suemma Coleman home. I was born 8/3/75. I have not found my birthmother...I start to try and then give up..

I understand how you feel. I feel a empty hole every August.

Anonymous said...

Hey, never give up and learn to let go of the anger and disappointment. After I did this, and left things up to God, this is when things started falling in place. No, I haven't talked with my birth mom, but I have met my birth grandmother and uncle and a couple of cousins. I have formed some great relationships! The ones that I did get to meet accepted me with open arms! I too was at the Suemma Coleman Adoption Agency. Keep searching and don't give up. Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Hey, never give up and learn to let go of the anger and disappointment. After I did this, and left things up to God, this is when things started falling in place. No, I haven't talked with my birth mom, but I have met my birth grandmother and uncle and a couple of cousins. I have formed some great relationships! The ones that I did get to meet accepted me with open arms! I too was at the Suemma Coleman Adoption Agency. Keep searching and don't give up. Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Hey, never give up and learn to let go of the anger and disappointment. After I did this, and left things up to God, this is when things started falling in place. No, I haven't talked with my birth mom, but I have met my birth grandmother and uncle and a couple of cousins. I have formed some great relationships! The ones that I did get to meet accepted me with open arms! I too was at the Suemma Coleman Adoption Agency. Keep searching and don't give up. Praying for you.

Bradley John said...

I understand your frustration. I was adopted through the Coleman Home in 1967 and have found no help from anyone, especially from them. I was actually born on Mother's Day and always wondered how you give up a child, let alone on that day.

A RANTING FOREVER CHILD said...

Mr. John, I believe that you are the first male Coleman adoptee that I have ever seen. The agency doesn't like giving us our information. In fact, they like to twist it to keep us from finding our parents. You can email me if you come back. Amyburt40@yahoo.com I would love to talk with you.