Tuesday, August 29, 2006


What is in a word or a name that makes people so self defensive? Why is that birthmother, first mother, natural mother, and biological mother are terms that set people on fire? I can tell you from my experience that my birthmother doesn't deserve any of the terms. How I feel about her is something that doesn't need to be discussed right now. She got away with her secret for now. God doesn't like secrets. I have known that one for years now. It is a shame that she doesn't but again not the reason why I am writing.

I was talking to my CI just a short time ago. She is an adoptive mother. She doesn't like natural mother. It makes her unnatural. I can see that one. Makes logical sense. First mother I don't like because in my mind I only have one mother and that is my adoptive mother. She is the one that raised me, changed my diapers, wiped my tears, spanked me when I was wrong, and laughed at things we shared in life. All of it. She encouraged me to searched. She feels bad that I got hurt in this. Its not her fault. That is why I take offense at words like "adopters/adoptress/arents. She tried so hard. She took my rage when my rage wasn't even aimed at her. She took my pain and helped me try to heal although I am a long way from it.

That leaves the other two names. Birthmother because she gave birth to me. Biological because I have her genetics even though I wonder about that. I have hudspah where she doesn't. To me either one would work. My situation is different. She isn't one of those that fights for the rights of adoptees and birthparents. I am a secret that she wants to keep buried. She doesn't care if I hurt. I represent all her mistakes. Instead of owning up to them, she dumps them on me. The one term that everyone hates "birther" is one that fits her to a T. I have been patient, kind and compassionate but she hasn't returned the favor. So pardon me if I don't return the favor anymore.

As far as arguing who is right and which word should be used, how about allowing each person their title? Stop trying to censor what everyone is saying. I don't go to anti-adoption sites and throw a hissy fit to get people to change their language. I believe more in adoption reform than I do in abolishing adoption. Some people should not be parents. Yes support family preservation but realize some families just can't be saved. Judge each situation on its own merits and demerits.

There are days when I hate adoption and I hate the fact that I searched. I would have been better served being blissfully ignorant. I would have rather not known that my birther feels that I was not worthy of her love and respect. The only good thing about this psychoatic trip is the wonderful people that I have met along the way. The bad thing is that for the time being until we change the laws in this country, adoptees will always be property of that state in which they were born. All I feel like saying to those who think that they know better is FUCK YOU.


Anonymous said...

Amy, I find your blog very powerful. It's the first one I've commented on. I am an adoptive parent. Thank you for your honesty. I'm sorry for your pain. Starlight

Daughter of 2 women said...


Attila the Mom said...

I don't call my birth mother my birth mother in real life...I call her my mother and it freaks her out a little. She feels like it's stepping on my adoptive mother's toes (it isn't---my adoptive mother always refered to her as "your mother").

I don't use a or b as descriptors in real life, just to differentiate between the two online. My birth mother feels uncomfortable with other terms such as "first" or "natural", and prefers "birth" or "bio".

If that's how she feels, why should anyone else give a rat's patootie?

Great post, Amy!

SueB said...

Dear Amy,
I just had to write you. As a birth mother, I relate to your pain. It's what I worried so over for 35 years after giving up my baby daughter. I truly wanted what was best for her. I knew how impossible it would be for me to give her a decent life. I could only pray that she would have two loving parents and one good life.
I finally found her a couple years ago. Guess what? She has had one great life and two wonderful parents. It seems that she always figured I gave her up because I was not a in position to take care of her well and wanted better for her. She, of course, was right.
They say that if you are a drug addick/alcoholic and give up the drug for 20 years, they day you take another drink will put you right back into your addiction as if you had been feeding your habbit all these years--your disease/addiction has actually esculated just as it would have with all those years of use! Well, Amy, my love for my daughter was like that. Even though we had no contact for 35 years, my love for her grew every day. The tremendous relief, in knowing that she was well and happy, has to be the most monumental relief I have ever experienced.
I guess I'm writing to tell you that just perhaps your birth mother loves you tremendously and simply can't face you because of her shame--her sense of failure--even though she truly tried to do the very best for you that she could. Amy, it's hard for me to imagine that this is not the case..
Oh, did I tell you my lovely daughter's name? Amy. What a lovely name! Reminds me of my French heritage--"ami" means anything from friend to love.
"Mon ami"="My love" and that she is.
Please dear girl, know that you very well might mean every bit as much to your birth mother. And I do pray that if you can't be 'her love' then perhaps just 'her friend'!
Come on over to http://www.BirthMotherOfAdopted.blogspot.com and share with us, ok?

Anonymous said...

Thank you Amy for saying what I want to say, too. My mother who gave me up for adoption says she didn't "bond" with me because she never held me. I don't know what she was doing the several months she carried me inside her! She says she feels no maternal feelings for me and that the best we can hope for, "when we sort through our feelings" is to be "good friends." Funny, the adoption agency insists even today that she tried very hard to keep me. My mother's response: she can't remember anything like that. She also says she has no memory of my father, and that the name the adoption agency has listed as the name of my father means absolutely nothing to her...she has no idea if that is the name of my father or a name she made up. Meanwhile, stupid me. I grew up with the information that she had tried to keep me, and filed for an extension trying to make that happen. I searched for my mother for 28 years. Now that I have found her she has given me nothing but anger and hatred back. She made clear to me last night that she never felt anything for me, feels nothing for me now, and will never feel that way towards me. She lied, told me my father was dead rather than tell me she did not remember his name. She has lied and lied and lied. Then she becomes angry with me that I doubt her word. I love her because she is my mother, and she is unable to give me anything.
Sue B, your letter makes me feel a little better, too. It helps to meet and hear from mothers who love their children that they gave up for adoption because they are their children. God Bless You. It is so for us to feel worthwhile inside even as an aging adult when our very own mother feels nothing for us. All the rationalizing and intellectualizing does not really touch that incredible pain inside. Thank you for helping to ease it a little.