Wednesday, March 14, 2007


My weekend and my week started off kinda crazy. I totally ticked my mother in law off by saying that I would vote for Barack Obama. I like the man. He is down to earth. He has many of the same ideals that I have. He has two daughters just like me. He is desparately trying to quit smoking. He adores his wife. He does some of the same stuff as my hubby does. I just like the man. My mother in law flipped totally flipped. He is Muslim. He goes to the Church of Christ church how can you? Everything she said against him. I promptly stated that he was a son of a Muslim man. Second he goes to a Christian Church. My husband and I were busting a gut over it.

Saturday night she dogged me about what I was eating. She swears that milk and white flour was going to be the death of me. At that point my meal was done. I mentioned to hubby that it was time to go. My daughter and I rounded the corner of the restaurent and took off running. I was glad to see her go.

Monday I ended up in the doctor's office. Women's stuff. I am finally getting the hysterectomy that I have wanted for years now. Sorry can't stand the mess, can't stand the headaches, can't stand the two weeks my body is out of wack, can't stand the pain of it all. Its sad that I can't get the additional information about this from her. I am blocked from her by the state and the adoption agency. I think if she and I talked that it would be okay. She and I could get through this together.

I go pick up smokes for husband and me. I pick up the mail. I pick up hubby's new computer. I get a phone call from a girlfriend out here. It becomes a sad day. A man destroyed the trust of his child and a horse died as a result.

Children need our trust just like animals. When I think about the loss that occurred this weekend, I am deeply saddened. Horses just like children depend upon us humans for love and attention. They depend upon us adults to feed them, shelter them, and protect them. When they grow up, they need their truth. I look at my favorite horse. You can see me with him to the right. Shorty is my love, my best friend, and my healing. I love rubbing his chin. It is the softest spot on his body. I love the way his nose curves inward. I love kissing him there. I love rubbing his chest. I love scratching his belly and his back. When he sees me, he trots over and bows his head down so he can be rubbed and kissed. His neck has had kisses and tears. This horse is four years old. You just can't do that with any horse. He and I have a bond. We can never leave this place because of the bonds we have with these horses. It is an awesome sight to see him race my husband in his truck. It is an awesome sight to see these guys play in the rain. The television gets turned off. The computer gets ignored. We are all racing from one end of the house to the other to watch them play. How can a person not be awed by their awesome powerful beauty? How can someone not feel blessed by their sight? I feel that way towards my girls. I love watching them when they think I am not paying attention. I do the same to my husband. I love watching him work with both horses and livestock. Every year those calves are comical. They run up the road racing my Jeep. They can be my bovine roadblock. This is my life. This is my joy, my peace and my happiness. I wish I could share this with my first mother. I wish I could share this with my first father. I wish I could share this with my brothers and sisters. Two of my sisters have seen some of this place. I wish that they could see where we live now. I hope that my youngest sister gets the opportunity to see it soon. Her daughter would forever be in love with Barlight, Togo, Gino, Deuce, Shorty, Junebug, and Bartender. My nieces and nephews would all right Barlight and Togo. Oh the stories I could tell about these fellows. How can anyone ever hurt a creature like these?

I also find it odd. When a person adopts a cat, they don't expect the cat to be human. A cat does what a cat does. He lays around the house. He expects love. If you are lucky enough like me, he loves you back. He kisses you and worships you. He may get mad at you and rebel by scratching your beloved couch or pee on your bed. You don't ask him to change and become like you. When a person adopts a dog, they don't expect that dog to be human or just like them. A dog still does as a dog should. A dog still tears up your favorite slippers. A dog will still dig holes in your garden probably your favorite flowers. Still pees on your brand new carpet. Can you change them? Do you even want to? I don't because I like their beauty. So why do people try to change their kids? Why do people try to change their adopted children? Why do they want them to be so like themselves? We can't be like you. We learn from you. We trust in you. We are not you. We are us. We are individuals who have had their basic identity stripped from them. We sometimes walk through our lives confused and lost. We wonder who we really are. We don't have anyone that looks like us. We develop defense mechanisms to protect us from future loss. Its not you but its the core of us that has lost. We need that loss recognized. We need that loss honored and respected. We need to understand ourselves. When you searched for your identity, you had that. You looked around you and understood. You get this from Grandpa Joe. You got this from your mother and that from your dad. We have none of that. I would love to understand but sadly the government wants to help protect the secrets of the past. I and many others like me are forced into helping them do just that. I don't want my first mother to have to hide her shame because there is no shame is having a child. I don't want my first father to wonder for the last part of his life where I am at. As long as you deny us our natural side, you are also denying your nurturing side. Please accept us for who we are. We are not you and We are not them. We just want to be us. Open our records and let us discover just that.


Anonymous said...

Beautiful post, Amy.

I'm linking to it, and you can't stop me.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful and eloquent, Amy.
Thank you.

Ungrateful Little Bastard said...

This was awesome, thank you.

When are you scheduled for your hysterectomy? I'll be thinking of you.

Amyadoptee said...

Hopefully in May. Thanks gang

Laurie (formerly known as Momseekingpeace) said...

Nice post. I love when the beauty of nature can take my breath away. I love the way you described your horses.

Doughnut said...

I the records. What in the world is there to hide anyways and why?

Lizard said...

Thank you, Amy. That was lovely. It's an argument I've often used - wish I'd been able to say it half as well.

P.S. The day I had my hysterectomy was the happiest day of my life. Hope all goes extremely well!