I have just spent the last couple of days arguing with a person who is very angry at adoptive parents. Let me say this much. I get why she is angry. You don't even have to explain why. I understand that she is a first mother in pain. I understand she lost her son to the closed era. I understand her parents forced her. I understand that the agency treated her like crap. I totally get this. The way that I look at it is this ~ I am a mother. I could not handle someone else raising my children other than my husband and I. I could not live the rest of my life not knowing my children. If every adoptive parent would look at this in this manner, you would understand exactly where this type of person is coming from. I don't care what you say. I have heard them all even from my own adoptive parents. One of them is " Well she was an adult ~ she gave up her rights and she knew what she was doing." When the only choice a woman can make is adoption, you don't get to make a choice. When there was no support systems in place for women to keep their children, you don't get to make a choice. The women from the closed era have dealt with this. Women to this day are still persecuted for having children. Men are not and are not even held accountable. That is my biggest fear for my daughters. In this day and age when Medicaid services send you to a crisis pregnancy center to be harassed to give your child up for adoption. That is coercion. This is all before giving a woman the result of her pregnancy test which she already knows the answer. That is why we must make changes. All of us. That means you Adoptive Parents. You have to come to terms with your infertility and other issues. It is not your fault that an adoptee searches. It is also not your place to sit in judgement of the natural parents. You were not in their shoes. You can not say what you would have done in their shoes.
I have said this repeatedly. When you diminish your child's natural parents, you diminish your child. When you diminish the adoptive parents, you are also diminishing your child. Your child was raised by someone else. Your child was loved by someone else. It may not have been ideal. It may have been abusive. That adoptive parent is still a part of your child. Adoptive parents for the most part only want a child. Isn't how you feel? Even when you were pregnant with your child. You wanted your child. Is it really their fault that adoption agencies were cruel and punishing? How are they even supposed to know? My own adoption agency had a superior reputation. I have found out that they treated mothers the same way if not worse than many others. There are situations like the Rashad Head case, Allison Quets, Stephanie Bennett and many many more where the adoptive parents knew exactly what was going on. Shame on them. I am the first to condemn them. When you don't have full parental consent from both the mother and the father after the birth of the child, it is child stealing. Many of the adoptive parents that I have spoken with via my blog and other forums are just as appalled and condemning in those situations.
When I see adoptive parents and natural parents feuding like this, I am appalled. Folks we must get past this. As an adoptee, I am part of both the nature and the nurture. I feel like property when adoptive parents say that their adoptee is a gift from God. Adoption is a man made societal experiment. I find it hard to believe that God supports the destroying of a potential family. I find it hard to believe that God supports the tearing down of woman to get what she has. Yes adoption agencies do just that. At the same time, I am no longer your lost child. I am an adult. I know that you see me as that baby. I understand that we have to come across alot of road in a short span of time. I am constantly torn between both sides of the battle. If you want adoption to be reformed, then stand up and be counted. I understand that some of you would like it abolished. To reform adoption, to make adoption agencies and their attorneys accountable is a step in the right direction. Do you realize that they like it when we argue like we do? Dissension amongst the troops lets them continue to do what they want. We must be a united front. I am still an adoptee torn between two sets of people. Its time for us to stand up and make our voices heard. Its time for the state legislators across this country to see us as the sanity in the world of adoption.
When you think about adoption as it should be, remember it is supposed to be about the child. Not about the adoptive parents nor the natural parents. Today it has become about the adoptive parents. It is about finding that perfect child for the adoptive parents. Adoptees did not have a choice in this thing called adoption. In 45 states we still don't have a choice. Adoptees may not want to search. They may regret searching. They may want to search for medical information. They may even want to know their natural parents. There are times when the tempers are flaring so badly that I do feel that it should up to the adoptees. Then I think again adoptees, natural parents and adoptive parents should have access to the original birth certificate. All should be allowed access to the adoption paperwork. All should be allowed copies of the adoption paperwork. Any information concerning medical information does need to be kept private. As long as we keep arguing the way that we do, it will stay the same. Every story is different, we need to accept that. We have to move forward and fight the laws that interfere with our lives.