Sunday, March 18, 2007

VALIDATION OR SHOULD I SAY INVALIDATION?

Some quick notes:

I have added a new link. My regular readers might want to give him a shout out.

http://openingthedoor.wordpress.com/2007/03/14/this-is-not-a-pity-party/#comment-8

Another one that I really get but don't like to own up to is Joy.

http://joy21.wordpress.com/2007/03/17/invalidation-is-also-important/

Of course the Famous Faux Claud. She puts it so eloquently. Even though we are very close in age, I consider her a sister. She has recently reunited with her son. I so gloriously happy for her. Welcome Max. She loves you very very much. She also wrote a very excellent post on reunion relationships and what they are truly about.

http://musingsofthelame.blogspot.com/2007/03/yeah-ill-bother.html


For years, I got real good at ignoring my own needs. Call it co-dependency or whatever. At least that is what I thought it was. As I have progressed into this understanding of adoption, I realized that it was fueled by the fact that I was adopted. I realized that adoption affects me to the core. There is no getting around it. I think I am like Joy in many regards except for the reunion part. I didn't have that. I didn't think this stuff affected me. I didn't have time to face those feelings.

No matter what my parents ( both sets) have to say. I will always feel unwanted. That I am not worth wanting. In a few days, I will hear about this. I have two sisters that read this thing faithfully. I know you do because I have a site meter. Your IP address comes up on it. I just wish I would not get the call in the middle of the week about what I have posted.

I hear that you don't consider me adopted. I hear that you consider me one of your own. Do you understand, though, I don't feel that way? No matter what you say or do. I am different. I am obviously different. Just once I want to look at someone's face and see me. I look at all three of you and see the connection. Me ~ I just don't have that.

For once I don't want to hear "What about me?" Its not about anyone but me. For once I would like to have that. For once I want to be the center of attention. I want to look into someone's eyes and have them just get me. Without even speaking first.

When I hear this things, it distances me from people. When I hear that you should be grateful, I want to walk away and never say another word to that person. Sometimes I argue with them. Sometimes I just blow it off. When I hear about that we must protect the shame that mothers feel about this, I look at them like they are insane. This country has deeply wounded the first mothers and fathers of this country. That makes me angry. This country still ignores the adoptee. This country treats adoptees like property. We become forever children of our adoptive parents. Screaming and throwing a temper tantrum doesn't help. It only makes us further like children. We can argue with statistics. They still ignore us. WE are the product of adoption. I wish they would listen to us.

2 comments:

Ungrateful Little Bastard said...

Aaarrrggghhh the old people who know us reading our adoption blogs stuff. Does it ever end?

I'm sorry Amy, I really am. All I can say is even though I can't look you in the eyes to tell you, I get you and I'm grateful. And I get the fact that a million of us bastards telling you we get you, will never, ever be enough.

Sorry. I'm just really glad I know of your blog.

mia said...

Me too Amy. Me too.

Hey girl send me your address please. I have something to send you. I have a couple of things to send out this week and would like to run to the post office soon.
miasev@comcast.net
xoxo