Sunday, April 22, 2007

You really need to read this. I can't tell if it is a pity party or what. I tried to comment to get my explanation off to this person but she has it blocked. Oh well. I will just post my comment here for her to read.

Yes I am an adoptee. Yes I am angry. I am angry at the system more than any individual. The adoption industry is just that an industry but they have way too much power and control over our lives. They tell us what terminology to use. They tell us all what records we are allowed to see or not see. They tell us that they know what is best for us. So yea I hate my control taken from me. Adoptive parents do take a little of that from us.

She said please don't julienne all of us adoptive parents. Okay first and foremost, it is not my job to make you or any other adoptive parent feel good about themselves. It is not my job to constantly reassure you. You have to find that within yourself especially if you are adopting. Your child is going to have enough complexes to deal with because of the industry itself and societal views of adoptees. Keep in mind they view us as crazy for wanting our truth. They treat us like diseases to our first parents and ungrateful brats to our adoptive parents. They will treat your child this same way until people like me and many many others change things. Of course you could help with this by changing your own proprietal view of your child.

I finally got around to reading about adoptees in general. Its time ya know. I have been reading all about mothers and their experiences. I have neglected to take care of myself. Its a symptom of being adopted. So I began with one book. Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton. I had to join a paperback book club to even get a copy. I don't want to pay an arm and leg for a book. I am a broke woman with two kids, a cowboy husband, six cats, five dogs, a road runner or two, a household, and a part time voluntary job as an adoptee rights activist. Yep my life is pretty busy. Its like HOLY SHIT this is me. HOLY SHIT ~ I did this stuff when I was younger. My own adoptive mother puzzled over it too. HOLY SHIT!!!!! I am not even done with the book. Just barely half way through it.

We as adoptees are second class citizens within our own adoptive families. I don't want to hear it. Yea Yea you love us the same. No you don't. Accept it. We are different. We have been denied our nature. We must live your version of the truth even if it goes against our very grain. Adoptees are not born to you. So don't even say as if to me. We are not. The adoption industry tells you to ignore what has gone on before we arrived in your family. That is not important. We adoptees come to you as clean slates.. Guess what that just isn't the case. Just as I am part of you. I am very much a part of her. Her nature is my nature.

In Chapter nine of Journey To The Adopted Self, the very first few paragraphs got me. Its me my entire life. I don't even think my family even realizes it.

"Teresa, an adopted woman in her mid-forties, writes that she finally has a satisfying marriage and career, but the adoption questions still "haunt" her. While her adoptive mother was dying, a friend of the family remarked that as adopted daughters, she and her sister could not be trusted to make good decisions about the care of her mother. "Does this never go away? Will no stage of my life be free of the questions and doubts and subtle accusations by others that I am not a worthy, full adult?" she asks. "Will I ever feel like a whole person? Will I ever be able to know that the good things that come my way reflect who I really am?"

My entire family has treated me this way. Its like WOW someone who understands how I feel about adoption. I have been treated like I can't make good decisions, choices. I can't think on my own. It drives me totally insane. I can think of many many times where my choices were distrusted but someone else outside the family had the trust of my family more than I did. It still continues to boggle my mind. Even in my own search, my decisions, my research, my feelings, my ideas were distrusted.

So I ask the blogger when will you see that your child is so much more than what the adoption industry tells you? Are you ever going to realize your child's true nature? When are you going to realize that its not your child's job to make sure that you are reassured and secure in that your child is yours and only yours. We are too busy just trying to survive the worst loss of our lives. We are trying to get our feet back underneath us.


c'est moi said...


this is an excellent post. it made me cry. it is about time you start with a self care program...all this time reading about the n'parents feelings is really beautiful and shows WHO YOU REALLY are. as an n'mom, ive been reading on only adoptees..not quite ready to look inward...still horrified at what allowed myself to be sucked into...what i have unknowingly done to my child.

i hope nad i pray, she turns out to have the loving, accepting and warriors heart that you posess amy!!!

honestly i do. i learn so much here from your thoughts and activism. it is very inspirational.

hugs, peace and empowerment sent to youthrough cyberspace. :-)

Erin said...

I know the blogger who you are speaking about, and she is a wonderful woman and really working her way through the adoption world as best she can. She is a good mom, but it is hard when you hear adoptees ganging up on you and you know that you aren't what they are saying you are.

Now as an adoptive mom I have to say that I think I would love a biological child differently than my adopted daughter. I don't think it would be less, (or better or worse) I can't imagine loving a person more than I love her, but I DO believe it will be different.
How can you not have different feelings toward a child that is literally part of you, than a child that is part of another woman? The emotions surrounding birth and adoption are vastly different, and I'm assuming would be even as a child grows.
I think that this can be a healthy part of an adoptive relationship if it is acknowledged. I also think that one of the big benefits of open adoption is that I can look at my daughters mom and see the personality of my daughter, it isn't all nurture, it isn't even mostly nurture. It is me learning to nurture her nature and incorporating that into our lives, not demanding that she incorporate her nature into ours, KWIM?

Erin said...

just wanted to add, that I don't think open adoption solves all adoption related problems. Most of these problems could be solved if fewer women placed, and agencies stopped sucking, and there was WAY more education for APs and adoptees


I am sure that she is a wonderful woman. I am not saying that she is not. I am just saying that it is not my responsibility to make her feel better. I have been doing that way too long. I am also saying that doing that is harmful to adoptees. I know.

BethGo said...

Thank you Amy.
There is nothing worse than a person who insists they "get it" and then blasts us adoptees when they say and do something that clearly shows they don't "get it" at all.
This is a woman who came to a forum created as a safe place for adoptees and has the nerve to dictate how we should behave ourselves in said forum. Because she's a sensitive aparent who "get it".
And I think it's interesting that she needs to put all the people who disagreed with her in the angry box.
Lastly, for the record. I don't hate my aparents and I'm not angry.
At least I wasn't until I read her post.
I'll take Erin's word for it that she's wonderful in real life but right now, in the blogospere, I think her post shows she's someone who really doesn't get it.
Not at all.