Saturday, June 09, 2007

AN ILLICIT AFFAIR

Okay so I am a product of an illicit affair. Yep I have passion in my veins. Its my heritage. Only adoptees have this kind of passion. I know that I am a product of a truly passionate love affair. Back in my natural mother's day, well she was going to hell because of it. One of the ways to redeem herself was to give me up. She has also spent the rest of her days punishing herself. She has been the only one to care for her parents. Now its only her mother that she cares for. She takes her to the cemetary to visit her father. It makes her gag but she does it. She thinks that she isn't a good person because she had me and she let me go. Her only validation is her husband (who knows) and her sons (who don't know). Lord knows her mother and her brothers don't validate her. I do wonder if her brothers remember and have asked her about it during the time since. I do wonder if that is why I know nothing of her sister.

I was thinking about this passionate love affair thing. Do not mistake me when I say that I love and worship my husband. He takes my breath away. He is so sexy in a saddle. This story goes way before I was even really willing to think marriage and family. My husband is the only man that fits me. But THIS man took my breath away and stole my heart in the process. His name, Danny, will forever be branded on my soul.

I was seventeen in my senior year of high school. I began my year breaking up with one boyfriend. My first day of school spent returning items to him and him to me. I also began working for Red Lobster as one of their hostesses. I spent the first month or so experiencing growing pains. I was just trying to figure out who I was at that time. My best friend had kicked me to the curb. I was walking around lost. Another friend, Bryan, and I spent a great deal of time together that year. We got each other. We were both dealing with the same shit. We were both getting ready to graduate. I had a lot of friends in ROTC. So I also hung with them. It was with them that I saw HIM. Oh my gosh, I was floored. I remember racing out after third period to watch him leave in his old blue Ford daily. Thus also began my love affair with old Ford trucks. Its the truck(her name is emerald) that gets me home on rainy nights. I couldn't wait until the end of the weekend to see him Monday morning. I don't think he had clue. I found out that one of the girls in ROTC was busy chasing him. Rather offend her and get my butt beat, I watched from afar. On the night that I graduated from high school. I hunted down another buddy, Mike, asking about him. He was already with Olga. I completed my graduation with sadness in my heart. I thought I would never see him again. I finally told my younger sister about him. What does she do? She sets up a blind date between the two of us. We meet at a video game place in the mall. This man was a beefcake even then. Blue steel eyes and full lips. Big strong arms to hold a gal in. He was going into the Marines at the end of the summer. Me I was moving to San Marcos with my family. My dad got transferred to his own UPS center. My parents wanted me to go to Southwest Texas State University. That was THE summer for me. He courted me big time. I remember sitting in the back of his truck on the bed. I remember him telling me what a wonderful wife and mother I would make. I remember sitting beside him listening to old time country music with his hand on my thigh. I don't know who taught him how to kiss but my lord, his kisses were heaven. I remember him telling me that I had child bearing hips. God after having my first daughter, I really wanted to take a cast iron frying pan to that man's head. This man had a way of making me feel like I was the only one. That he only saw me. I tested him believe me. HE never looked at another woman in my presence. He was never drawn to my blond haired sisters who were dropped dead gorgous.

After we moved to San Marcos, my parents allowed him to stay the weekend with us. I of course was not allowed to sleep with him. One night we made out. Oh God I am still dizzy thinking about now. I was so scared of getting pregnant. We didn't have sex. It would not have taken much more if he had pushed the issue. I was sheer butter in this man's hands. I don't think he ever realized how much I loved him. I have to wonder if my adoptive mother ever realized how close I was to losing my virginity to this man.

As the summer came to a close, so did my relationship with him. He was going into the Marine Corp. I was starting college. He intentionally picked a fight. I can barely remember why. I didn't know that he had already packed up his truck. He walked out of the house and left. I ran out to the street. I collapsed on the sidewalk crying hysterically. He broke me that day. He shattered my heart. Only three months of dating. It took me years to get over that particular scene. I would never love a man like I did him. I would also never trust a man like I trusted him.

Three years later, I am living with a male roommate. Yes a guy but Kirk was my best friend at the time. My parents would not let me live with anyone else. In walks the shadow of my past and my heart. He calls my mother first. She calls me at work to tell me that someone is coming back from the past and not to screw it up again. In he walks. Still taking my breath away. Little bit longer hair and dressed in black. I should have known. I was doomed to forever love this man. Our relationship was fiery and turbulent. He had a very traditional view of women. This was in the eighties too. He was just as shocked at my life changes as I was with his. We got back together. We lived together for a year and half. When drugs and alcohol weren't part of the equation, we were great. Everyone know that those things hurt and wound. Sadly that it was happened in our relationship. I was raised in a non so traditional family. My dad encouraged me to do things outside the box. He encouraged me to take care of myself. I learned about vehicles from him and another boyfriend. Neither man wanted me to not think for myself. I was well on my way when Danny came back into my life. It caused problems. He wanted a traditional woman. I was on my way to becoming educated and liberated. In fact women's issues were a constant battle. We eventually parted ways. Drug and physical abuse were the causes. He would become a different man.

A few years ago, we got in touch with each other. My sister called him because I had a horrible nightmare that he was considering suicide. That frightened me more than anything. We began talking illicitly. We spoke of times that hurt each other. We spoke of the good times. We spoke of lovemaking and how we fit. We began being friends. He was in Georgia and I was in Oklahoma. I knew that we could not ever get back together. I couldn't tell you if it would have worked the third time or not. He pulled another fight and we have not spoken since. He broke my heart again. He ended the friendship. Do I still love him? Yes but its so complex that I fear getting hurt just really thinking things through about him. Because I had something of an effect on him, I have his ex's trying to hunt me down. I try to tell myself that he is too high maintenence for me. He has gotten more liberal in some areas. I have gotten more conservative. Excuses that I guess would keep me sane.

So do adoptees have passion in our views and in our heritage? Oh yes we do. We enjoy thoroughly it too. I do understand the raw pain that my natural mother feels. I was just a touch or two away from being in her shoes. I don't regret my relationship and I hope that she does not reqret hers. Its what makes us women.

I do get where she is coming from. This relationship taught me that. A woman can totally love a man and only that man. Because she loved him and a child was produced, she becomes something that she never was nor will ever be.

5 comments:

Ungrateful Little Bastard said...

Amy this is so good. It's something I think about a lot.

suz said...

A woman can totally love a man and only that man. Because she loved him and a child was produced, she becomes something that she never was nor will ever be.

If you only knew how deeply this touches me. So much to my story, my love for my daughters father, that I dont share. I guess in some way I want her to ask, to care, and for her to be the first one I share it with. I am coming to think that day may never materialize and I might benefit from sharing it regardless.

Even so, I loved this post.

All I can say is YES

Rhonda said...

Amy, this was so compelling. It made me think, of course, of my birth parents. Being a New Years Eve conception, it is rather easy for me to simply see them as irresponsible. But my mother says they were madly in love and, sure enough, they did end up married after relinquishing me.

Going Back to Square One said...

Wow.

Just whoa.

Amyadoptee said...

I do think about him every now and then. HE does pop up in my dreams. I will never stop loving him. I hope that in that she never stops loving him (my natural father). I was real nervous about posting this. Someone from his part of the country visits every now and then. It really spooks me knowing he could be reading this. My relationship with him was definitely wow.