Its hard to believe that I have been writing this blog for nearly three years. I have actively searched for a majority of that time. I have made some really great friends. I have learned a great deal about myself in the process. No I am not quitting writing. I admit that it has been very healing for me. I will continue. I guess I am experiencing growing pains right now.
I watch the television show, Bones, all the time. It is a favorite. I relate to the main character. This week's episode really hit home for me along with the latest safe haven law in Nebraska. Dr. Brennan aka Bones looks at things very analytically. She doesn't allow the emotional side to interfere with her life. I do the same thing with adoptee rights and adoption reform. Its easier to hide behind the angry adoptee in me than to expose who I really am to myself and those that love me. It is just easier to look at things logically and analytically than to scream, hollar, shake a fist, cry, and howl at some thing that no one wants to see as being anything but good.
What does anger really hide? It hides the hurt and the pain that I feel. I have been rejected twice now. Even though there are promises of adoptee access in Indiana, I am not exactly keen on finding my mother anymore. I can not guarantee what I will do that once I receive that document if I even receive it. I want to find my father because he wanted me. He may now be deceased but at least I can tell his wife and his daughter that I am alive and that I think of them often. I can reassure them that my life was good. I am at a point in my life where I find myself questioning the foundation that I have built my life on. Could it survive another rejection? Could it survive never finding? I find myself wondering if I am actually real or just another fake kid that no one wants to listen to. It is just so difficult to listen to the horrors of adoption. You get the shut up and be gratefuls only so much before you blow a fuse every time you turn around. I read another stupid Catholic blog today saying that we adoptees should be grateful that we were not aborted. You never know abortion just might have been legal in 1965 in that state that you were born in.
I went into it a little with the previous post and a comment that I made. The people that argue for these laws don't bother to ask those that have to live with these laws. Adoptees. They ignore us. The adoptee rights movement by most standards is what thirty plus years old. We have been screaming for them for years. Many of the pro-life groups have blamed us for that issue. If you notice, National Adoption Awareness month really isn't about the adoptee. The mothers get mentioned but not in a favorable light. There is the "God bless all those adoptive parents for adopting all those unwanted children" all over the place.
I read this article today. One paragraph stuck out at me.
"The empty, feel-good myth about how we just need to make giving a child up for adoption easier is popular across the political spectrum. Liberals say it to assure everyone that we're trying to reduce the abortion rate with carrots instead of sticks. Conservatives say it to assure audiences that a ban on abortion won't be that bad for women, who presumably can just give birth and walk away, leaving their babies to worthier couples who aren't wayward sluts. Few people have the guts to point out that the belief that adoption will reduce the abortion rate is largely a myth. Now that it's legal in basically all states to drop off an infant without explanation and terminate your parental responsibilities with no effort, we can firmly state that the rhetoric about adoption is hollow and empty. "
Yea I feel hollow and empty right now. Women can't just give birth and walk away. Its not in our DNA. Lord knows I could never walk away from my daughters. Much of what I do today is for them in the future. Adoption has taught me that I am only a valuable resource as an infant. Adoption has taught me that I am not valued or important. It constantly reminds me that I am disposable no matter what anyone says.