Wednesday, December 12, 2007


This is about myself and two very dear friends of mine. These two friends have been dealing with some very rough issues. S is someone that I have known and loved since the first time she and I talked on the phone nearly four years ago. Her daughter and mine are best buds. I admit that even I need my dose of S. She rejuvenates my soul. She is the most vibrant redhead that I have ever known. God knows I have a thing for red heads.

S's story is one of the most horrifying. She is a foster adoptee. Her mother was the one who physically abused her. It was done in a time where society did not believe a woman was capable of doing so. Her mother burned over half of her body. Her mother also gave her a box of live scorpions. In the last couple of years her mother has tried three times to make contact with her. S doesn't even know her full name. She really doesn't even care to. She wants the woman out of her life.

Because of all the mess, S has been suffering serious medical issues. Issues that usually affect an elderly person. She is now needing medical information. She is also wanting her birth certificate mess to be cleared up. She has two birth certificates. Both have the same day but different years. Because there is three different names that were used, She can't get the accurate information from the states involved in her case. One agency involved can't be trusted because they were shut down due to lying on official documents. She can't even get those records now because of that issue. She knows that there were serious drugs used on her during foster care. She doesn't know what they are. Recently this woman made an appearance on her doorstep. She didn't react because of her own children and dig this her mother's newly adopted son. She basically accused my buddy of being angry and bitter. Uhmmm Excuse me? No she has every right to be angry with her. She doesn't want a relationship at all with this woman. She called me because my mother refused contact with me. She honestly thought it was same kind of situation. Infant adoption is a different animal than foster care adoption. I honestly believe it has more to do with the agency involved in my case than just contact with me. Another story for another day. This is about my friends. I told my friend this. I believe it with all my heart. I believe that adoptees should have control but we adoptees should also be aware enough and not abuse that control. I mention this. I feel this way because adoptees were not given choice nor control over our situation. I also mention that she meet with her mother in a neutral environment. After posting this on a forum, I was awakened to another issue. By suggesting this, I am asking my friend to go back in to a hostile situation where this woman abused her. I wouldn't ask an abused woman to do this with her boyfriend or husband. True I would not. These folks recommended that I tell my friend to get a protective order. Well I agree but I also know my friend wants accurate information. Truthfully we both doubt that she will get the information. She is going to have her brother intervene on her behalf and see what happens.

Another friend of mine wrote a letter discussing her feelings with her mother. She sent the letter, the form for her to get her OBC, and a check via certified mail. Her mother sent every thing back with void written on the check. What boggles my mind is that this woman and the state have denied my friend the right to have her own papers. She already knows her identity. So her privacy is not an issue. My friend wants the document that accurately records her birth. It is not up to her mother to withhold it from her.

I know adoptees who want access to that document that don't have a desire to search. I have one on this ranch. It is a document that accurately records our birth. In this day and age, we need that information. There are already cases of adoptees being sent back to their country of origin because the adoption was never finalized nor was it filed through proper channels. These are adoptees that have been raised in this country. They don't know anything else, anyone else, nor anywhere else. Because of the unethical issues of this alone, it further antagonizes adoptees. It makes them children of no man's land.

I have said it before. I don't know what I would do if I would make contact with my natural mother. The question will always be at the back of my mind. Do I really want to go through rejection again? I am not sure that I could be as strong as my friends.

When adoptee rights are treated as rights to reunion or medical history, we are always going to lose. It is time for society as a whole to give us back our rights to the very documents that accurately record our birth. I want the answers to the questions of my first eight weeks of life. My own adoptive mother is wanting those answers as well. She wants the documents that she signed to adopt me.


Andie D. said...

I am so sorry for your friend S. I wouldn't even know how to wrap my head around that, much less how to go about getting the info she needs. Hopefully her brother will come through.

And when I read about the birthmother who sent back the letter and the check with VOID written on it, all I could think was in terms of curse words. I was so effing angry for her. I'm pretty sure I cursed like a sailor on her blog in the comments section.

I want my OBC too. I want to know where I was for the first 3 weeks of my life. I keep thinking that if we didn't have any parents, and didn't have any name, did we even exist? Ralph.

Anonymous said...

Amy, if your friend knows who her mother is, couldn't she find another relative to supply medical information...

The mother would seem to be a very dangerous person, in this case.

Regarding adopted people(adults)having the control in the relationship(assuming there is no danger in the relationship)..adults do not control other adults, at least not in healthy relationships.

Amyadoptee said...

I totally agree with you.


All of the relatives are deceased now. The only reason why her mother made an appearance is because her adoptive parents were dead. Her father died two months ago. This woman is very manipulative. She makes even the most anti-adoption folks cringe and yes be grateful for adoption in this case. Knowing all the details, trust me its that bad. When I meant control, I meant to give the adoptee full opportunity to know everything. I think you know that. As a parent, I have to answer all of my daughters' questions with honesty and forthrightness. Its my job. I owe it to them. I think most natural parents should do that. I already know from your writings here that you are that way. Its a mute point for you.