Friday, January 27, 2006

CONNECTION MADE AND LOST

I finally got the call. My confidential intermediary called me at work on Thursday. My day went downhill from there. I got all the information that was possible in the short time that she and I talked. I thought the phone call was about the non identifying information which she and I were going to do. I don't think either one of us expected to find my birth mother this quick.

I have two brothers who know nothing about me. Her husband was told about me at the beginning of their relationship. I have not been discussed since. I had sent a letter and pictures. She wanted none of it. She wanted no contact at all. She was about to end the phone call but Katrina kept it going somehow. She asked her about my medical information. She tried blowing Katrina off but Katrina gently persisted. I found out that my high cholesterol is inherited. She didn't want to know about my husband or my daughters. She said that she wondered about me and if she would ever get the "call." Then she asked if I got my education. After that she said that she wasn't even going to tell her husband about my wanting contact. She was too afraid that it would destroy her family. At that point, Katrina seemed to remind her about the letter and the photos and that would just sit there and gather dust. She also reminded her that I sent them for her to see. It didn't matter. She wasn't even interested. I do understand that she had the shock of her life. One thing though that keeps coming to mind is that she and I have had fourty years for this to come to pass. If my mother(adoptive) can be grown up about it then for Christ's sake so can she.

Needless to say that I was devastated. I spent that afternoon and evening in tears. She didn't even ask about her grand children. I guess because I didn't complete my education I am nothing. My military history meant nothing. This is just my negative mind thinking in this right now. That was yesterday. After speaking with family and friends, I have calmed down. Probably in a month or so she will make contact. That curiosity will get the best of her. If she has even told her husband, God willing he will be the voice of reason. If he is smart as those boys of his, he will ask her to tell them. Then they will also force the issue. I can hope and pray right. But right now I am just angry. I am not nothing. I have done many things that I, my friends, and family are exceedingly proud of. I will not have that taken from me. So today I will be pissed off.

As God as my witness, I really hate adoption. I am not necessarily pro abortion but adoption today just ticks me off royally. It ticks me off that people who don't even know me control my life. It ticks me off that I am someone's dirty little secret. I understand that this post will tick off my birthmother friends out on the internet. You guys are educated. I just wish that she was. I wish that she would put as much emphasis on me as she did her sons. Adoption should be about helping people. It should be about loving people. It should be about helping children.
Its not though. It is about money and image. Too bad.

6 comments:

Cookie said...

Amy, I am so sorry that she is so afraid right now that she can't allow herself to move towards you. And I think you have a right to feel dissappointed and angry. I know that there's great fear when a mother is "found" - I had it too. But, I will hope that for your sake and hers that she can muster up the strength to embrace you - as she should. One thing I guarantee you is the door is open now and she is thinking about you. The first word from her isn't her final decision - hopefully she just needs some time. I will write about my being found though in my blog. And maybe help you understand a bit about what it feels like. I can not condone your mom's behavior though.

kim.kim said...

Oh that's just awful I am so very sorry that happened. Sometimes they freak out in the beginning (mothers) and later on have a change of heart. And is there no way you can have direct contact with your brothers? Hopefully she needs to get over the initial shock? How insane to think it would destroy the family. I hate adoption too for those very reasons.

AMYADOPTEE said...

Thank you very much

speakingformyself said...

I am so, so sorry this is occuring ... I wish I had something better to say.

~E said...

Amy,

I have two birth brothers that did not know I existed either. I was lucky to get to my know birth mom over the last 10 years but my birth father wants nothing to do with me. I am a skeleton in his closet. I can't tell you how much reading some of your posts helped me. Sometimes we feel alone out there...

As for your birth mother, you have every right to be pissed off and upset. You have every right to whatever you are feeling. The future is always uncertain, she may come around or she may never come around. And I can say that it has taken me 10 years to finally say well ok.. if my birth father never comes around well then he loses out and he can just get lost(of course I am usually more crass in what I truely say he can do).

It took GUTS to contact her and you should be proud of that no matter what the outcome.

There is nothing any of us can say that will make it any better so I will just say her behavior was incredibly unfair to you and I am sorry you are hurting over it.

~E

Anonymous said...

I am going to say somthing here that will make me sound like a monster which I am very proud of. FUCK ADOPTION PERIOD. I hate adoption and the fact that some parents put in there will that once they are dead, then the child learns of their adoption. And what's with the changing of the whole last name?

Also, people claim that "god created this baby just for me." No, an accident that involved no condom and a forgotten birth pill is what gave you that baby. This whole thing about "love", more bullshit. When you take a child from a center where many go, that's not love you feel, but pity.

But what really pisses me off. Set this scenario. A 17 year-old is finally going to be old enough to live away from adoption center. 1 more day till his birthday, and all of the sudden a couple comes and says "We're your new mommy and daddy!"