I guess everyone can tell with the way that I am writing. I am still down in the dumps. My husband says I have become obsessed with searching and finding her. In a way I have done exactly that. I am royally pissed off about this entire scenerio. Another part is I do have a fear. I fear that I am not a product of a extramarital affair but of something so much worse. A product of incest. She won't even talk about the "evil" that her father has done to her. I know he was physically abusive. If that is the case, my daughters have the right to be tested extensively for those kind of defects. I need to be tested for those kind of defects. I don't want to worry about this for the rest of my life. If it wasn't, then I really need to find my birth father. He is 78 and I don't have time to waste. I really don't care what transpired between the two of them. As she said that was forty years ago. If it was, then I need to go knock down his gravestone and totally destroy it. He doesn't deserve to even be recognized for anything he did good in his life. At that point I can accept the no contact stuff. I wouldn't be able to contact me.
Fear is something that I face head on. I fight back with it. I don't like to be cornered. My biggest fear is that I will be caught in a situation where I can't fight back. For example, a patient goes berzerk and takes aim at me. Or another is, someone on this ranch gets drunk and goes berzerk and does the same thing. Fear in adoption on the other hand is of rejection. Rejection and facing old issues can be a strong motivator. I wish my birthmother could read and understand me through this blog. Thanks to a few blogging friends, she just might get to see it. I don't want to destroy her life. I just want my questions answered. Then I will let her be and let her choose what and where she wants me to be in her life. I wish she knew that I have cherished, honored and respected her all my life. I am lucky in the sense that I have many many surrogate birthmothers out there ready and willing to take her place.
She has asked twice why now after forty years. That is my age. I wasn't ready until now. I had to get this computer to be able to do this. I needed to be totally informed before I began my search. I needed to be ready even for rejection. I needed to be ready to face all my fears with her. I am still willing to help her face her fears. I have walked a mile or two in her shoes. I was taught at an early age to face my fears. When we do meet, I worry about her coming out here. The women and the men on this ranch could react very strongly to my crying. Even though I am not well liked out here, I am still one of their own and they will defend anyone with fists unfortunately. A few of them even know the entire story. I think those will be the ones that stand in between and keep anything from happening. When she and I do meet, we will need all the time in the world to get to know one another. After all, we have forty years to catch up on. Then I will do the same with my brothers.
Fear in our country is what is running it. Fear of women speaking out and being taken seriously. Fear of mothers speaking out for truth. Fear of that the lies that are being told to us by the administration are in fact lies. One thing that I have always learned truth always prevails. Truth can and is very healing. Injustice in this country will be overcome and beat out by the truth. I see so many blogs speaking out about the truth. One of these days these blogs and the news being reported will be one. Then and only then can we win as a society.