Sunday, February 12, 2006

FEAR

I guess everyone can tell with the way that I am writing. I am still down in the dumps. My husband says I have become obsessed with searching and finding her. In a way I have done exactly that. I am royally pissed off about this entire scenerio. Another part is I do have a fear. I fear that I am not a product of a extramarital affair but of something so much worse. A product of incest. She won't even talk about the "evil" that her father has done to her. I know he was physically abusive. If that is the case, my daughters have the right to be tested extensively for those kind of defects. I need to be tested for those kind of defects. I don't want to worry about this for the rest of my life. If it wasn't, then I really need to find my birth father. He is 78 and I don't have time to waste. I really don't care what transpired between the two of them. As she said that was forty years ago. If it was, then I need to go knock down his gravestone and totally destroy it. He doesn't deserve to even be recognized for anything he did good in his life. At that point I can accept the no contact stuff. I wouldn't be able to contact me.

Fear is something that I face head on. I fight back with it. I don't like to be cornered. My biggest fear is that I will be caught in a situation where I can't fight back. For example, a patient goes berzerk and takes aim at me. Or another is, someone on this ranch gets drunk and goes berzerk and does the same thing. Fear in adoption on the other hand is of rejection. Rejection and facing old issues can be a strong motivator. I wish my birthmother could read and understand me through this blog. Thanks to a few blogging friends, she just might get to see it. I don't want to destroy her life. I just want my questions answered. Then I will let her be and let her choose what and where she wants me to be in her life. I wish she knew that I have cherished, honored and respected her all my life. I am lucky in the sense that I have many many surrogate birthmothers out there ready and willing to take her place.

She has asked twice why now after forty years. That is my age. I wasn't ready until now. I had to get this computer to be able to do this. I needed to be totally informed before I began my search. I needed to be ready even for rejection. I needed to be ready to face all my fears with her. I am still willing to help her face her fears. I have walked a mile or two in her shoes. I was taught at an early age to face my fears. When we do meet, I worry about her coming out here. The women and the men on this ranch could react very strongly to my crying. Even though I am not well liked out here, I am still one of their own and they will defend anyone with fists unfortunately. A few of them even know the entire story. I think those will be the ones that stand in between and keep anything from happening. When she and I do meet, we will need all the time in the world to get to know one another. After all, we have forty years to catch up on. Then I will do the same with my brothers.

Fear in our country is what is running it. Fear of women speaking out and being taken seriously. Fear of mothers speaking out for truth. Fear of that the lies that are being told to us by the administration are in fact lies. One thing that I have always learned truth always prevails. Truth can and is very healing. Injustice in this country will be overcome and beat out by the truth. I see so many blogs speaking out about the truth. One of these days these blogs and the news being reported will be one. Then and only then can we win as a society.

5 comments:

kim.kim said...

What do fists and defending our own have to do with meeting your mother? Why do you think you have walked a mile in her shoes? Do you mean that you have tried to understand her or have you lost a child to adoption?
Can you not pass on your blog address so she can read this? Do you think it would help her know you and maybe encourage her to meet with you?
Reunion is all about obsession in the beginning, well it was for me, I think that's really normal. I hope you are doing ok. It's such a weird thing to deal with isn't it?

AMYADOPTEE said...

I too have been abused by a step father. My own father nearly crossed the line with me. I have tried hard very hard to understand this entire situation. I can't pass this blog onto her. A confidential intermediary was used in this process. Unfortunately it was a state requirement. I think in some ways it would encourage her but it might frighten her that I can be so angry about the injustice done in this situation

Anonymous said...

In all respects, this is something you should be emotionally overwhelmed about. That would be the most expected response from any human-being. I would strongly reccomend you take some time to yourself before taking action on anything. There is no honour in actions containing little thought. We all tend to do more then we think about it. Especially when we have overwhelmed emotions. I can imagine it is hard to accept what you have found to be the truth. The truth is always more messed up than a lie. We can always deny and accept a lie, becuase the truth is always so screwed up. Some people would even go so far as to lie and cover up the truth if the truth hurts that bad. I hope your journey is not in ruin by lies, as you must always remember why the lies were told. If it was you, might you have done the same?

I know when I was younger, I had a stepfather that was physically abusive to me. I don't let too many people know that. It wouldn't take much to set him off. He litterally beat the living hell out of me. He may have done wrong in the past, but never let the past consume you. There is an old saying " he who forgets the past is doomed to repeat it." It is good to remember the past, just don't live it. My stepfather and I get along pretty well to the present day. He knows he has done wrong and has tried to make up for it.

Don't let fear take over. Fear is a product of the unknown. What we do not know or understand, we fear. To defeat your fear is to understand it. See, you can always fight against the fear. If you understand the pain from getting beat up is temporary (90% of the time) why would you need to fear it? Time eventually erases wounds, feelings, and all that we know. That is why I suggested for you to take some time for yourself. Not because it is the right thing to do, it is the most wise.

Pick some good ole music you can releate to and listen to it for awhile, by yourself. It helps me through the worst of times. I have some secrets that I keep to myself that are pretty messed up. That is what has made me ...me. Music sooths even the savage beast, don't you think it could sooth some of your pain? Sometimes pain is just hurts so much you can't hard face it. Find something to sooth it. Fight it day by day, just don't let it destroy who you are.

I hope you found some use of all of this ranting. Try to overcome your pain. If not, your pain will overcome you. It will consume you. I know it will. I have experienced that first hand many of times. Hope things wind up in your favour. If my writing has been displeasing or upsetting, you have my appologies.

~thank you for listening

AMYADOPTEE said...

Time may erase wounds and those fears but it sometimes doesn't let you forget like in the situation of my mother. By my coming forward into her life, I am forcing those fears all to the surface. That is a lot to swallow. I have many things that sooth me to include this blog. The truth is easier for me to accept and face. I can heal from the truth. To be very honest, your writing has been very confusing

HeatherRainbow said...

(((amy)))

I wish I could connect to all first moms, and bring them to the same online support group I have.

I wish I could get everyone to communicate their needs and emotions.

I wish I could heal the world.

When a dog is afraid of a person, he'll start barking. So, that person learns to be afraid of the bark.

I'd suggest looking at the reasons you are afraid of rejection, etc, and let the feelings out. ((hugs))