Friday, March 17, 2006


Well north Texas is finally getting some rain. What is even better is that I am off today so I don't have to be driving in it. I live down about five miles of red dirt country roads. It gets awlfully muddly out here with just a little bit of rain. Tomorrow will be really messy but I am okay with it. I have a truck that will get me out of here if need be.

Yesterday I was pretty angry. I had been stabbed in the back by a coworker. He did it to throw the supervisor off the heat that he was receiving for a mistake that he made. Being an adoptee, I point blank I hate lies. Being an adoptee, I am a total control freak at times. Two of the people that I dealt with yesterday were fortunately up front type of people. They withstood my heat round that I shot at both of them. I wish that I could praise them openly but this forum doesn't really allow me to but I know that one of them reads my blog regularly so he will read it and smile (I hope). Two other people reminded me to humble, grateful, and let go of the anger and resentment of the treatment that I received. One is a fellow blogger and the other is actually a mental health patient. Again I wish I could announce that patient's name but again I can't because I would be violating his right to privacy.

I can say a few good things about that person. When I first met this person, we butted heads. I thought he was doing something and I called him on it. It was probably my mistake and misunderstanding. What I do appreciate though is that he gave me a second chance. Many of these patients have been dealt some harsh blows some of which they incurred and others life's many misfortune. So these people don't give too many second chances to anyone. Well while the staff is having its little fits, he has helped me calm down a couple of patients that were arguing. Here I am a new person working on the floor of mental patients and the staff is more mental than the patients at time. I had been warned about that one when I started. I was also warned that the patients have their favorites and will stand by them. I also believe that it is important to be fair and equal to the patients. If I feel that they are not being justly treated I will stand up and say something but I would do that for anyone. I may hate someone but if they are being treated unjust I stand up. I digress. Well this patient told me that I was a good, kind, and compassionate person and that God will reward me. I guess I needed to hear it. I tend to beat myself no matter what the situation.

The fellow blogger is a birthmother. I love reading her stuff and will comment on it regularly if I can. I was actually talking to one of the fellow coworkers mentioned previously online. I think that he and I are the only two that do that. Its fun and helps me relax. I also know that he supports me and reads my blog regularly. He took a break and I was reading her stuff and her links. She too brought up that we need to be gentle to ourselves. She is right you know. Especially those in the triad. We need to be gentle to ourselves no matter what our title. The adoptees in the triad need to be kind to themselves. We beat ourselves up when we don't get what we want or need. Its like its our fault that our families gave us up. We as adults keep trying to prove we are worthy of the love that was lost. Birthmothers seemed to do the same. I see it in my adoptive mother. She questions herself as a mother. I wish that she wouldn't because this search that I am doing is not a reflection on her or my birthmother. Its a quest to answer who I am as a human. She is finally getting it. I knew that she would. I have always had faith in her. I knew that she was a strong woman. Like I have said many times before, she supports my birthmother and has a great faith in her. Its funny as an adoptee that I just don't have that kind of faith. One thing I do know Mom is usually right.


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